Wednesday, 16 November 2011

Checking In

I'm sooooo sorry for my absence.  Uni and general life has just been non-stop.  I have so many classes, both uni and extra and now all my school friends are moving to London at once so I've been out every spare night to plays, drinks, parties, etc.  It just never stops.  This is actually my first night off with bf out of the house in, well, a veeeery long time.

I will have to have to admit I have not gained or lost a single ounce.  I will admit to the fact I have had no gym time for almost three weeks, this is mainly due to scheduled gym hours being taken up by uni work (it's essay time at the moment) or being hungover, so although I may have miraculously stayed the same weight I feel fatter because I've lost quite a lot of muscle blooming quickly it disappears eh?  I just have no motivation to do my strength exercises either, I think I'm one of those people that if I can't be mega-obsessed and let it take over my life then I fall out of it.  I know that if I was working full-time I would be back to my gym-obsessed ways, purely because I have more of a routine but also because when work finishes, it finishes whereas with Uni if you don't get your reading done in the allotted time you've given yourself then you have to continue on, it doesn't just fit within a specific timetable...

Calorie intake is unknown also, I'm just not counting, I just don't have time, I'm here then there then back here again...but you know what?  I'm really happy, the fact the obsession is not dominating my every thought is amazing and for some reason my weight seems to have shifted from my thighs to my boobs so I can now fit easily into UK6 all types of clothing and even with increased boobage I have a few UK4(US0) tops in my wardrobe.  I couldn't believe it, I feel like it's not true, that the highstreet is playing a cruel joke on me by upping their measurements without telling anyone.

I'll hipefully check in again soooooon! Boyfriend is just back in the door - and he's a bit nosy about my computer activity so I'll say ciao for now


Friday, 21 October 2011

Turn Around

A fabulous 200cal total for breakfast and lunch plus a 620cal burn at the gym and then.....oh a 1000cal binge which resulted in a painful purge (west indian hot pepper sauce was consumed...) and guess what?  A huge sense of fucking tragic.  I was so good for so long but that smug little devil in the back of my mind is back saying 'fuck you fat, I'm going to spew my guts out until only bile remains'...Well back into insanity I guess.  I can restrict to about 800cals normally but there's that satisfaction knowing that if you purge that last bit you ate then it's more likely you'll weigh less the next day...I thought I was over this nightmare?!  I didn't want to become another girl spiralling into the abyss, I swore to myself I wouldn't go back to that teenage angst, well honestly I don't have that self-hatred that I used to have but the mia certainly hasn't buried her head in the sand.  The last time I felt truely good about my appearance was when I was 15 and chubby, I'm now 42lbs lighter and feeling fat.  Why should I moan when I only have myself to blame? I don't want to be this obsessed forever but I know that me not ever caring would equal a sudden weight gain, on the other hand exercising & still watching what I eat would equal me now - forever on the brink of another purge. 

I don't like sharing this with you girls, in fact I feel positively wretched that I'm even admitting it.  I don't want to be human, I don't want to be weak.  I constantly tell myself I will achieve my goals and I never let myself doubt that so why should I put doubt into those following me?  Argh.  I will be perfection, I will rise up and take all!, inner ramblings really shouldn't be made public, it only serves to remind me that I have the ability to be utterly delusional.  Well I hate moaning because I hate moaners, although I actually am the agony aunt of my friends... scratch that, it's not that I hate moaners, I suppose with both my brother and my mother having depression growing up I just got sick of everything being so bloody grey and miserable, if you want it - seize it!  Don't just sit there and wallow....obviously depression is an illness but my exposure to it never made me sympathetic, it took away my childhood and made me grow up too fast...I don't ever remember being as immature as all other friends of my age, I could only act immature by getting ridiculously drunk, and even then I was the one holding back everyone else's hair and calling their mothers to come get them or telling them to expect their sons or daughters home paraletic in a paid for taxi.  I suppose I appreciate not letting all of my dignity go, but now when I do get to cut loose I get told off by my bf the next day for being an embarrassment... so it seems I never will get that window back where I could be immature and get away with it. 

So to make up for my mischevious purge I have already done 200 jumping jacks and a range of strengthening exercises from crunches to squats to press ups.  This will probably continue until the bf returns home from his works drinks at midnight.  I will not and cannot gain, I have to lose, I will lose, losing will be my middle name and a roaring stomach will be my best friend.  And now I sound psychotic.  Brilliant.  I wish I could write sensibly and be rational and objective...but hey I'm not in that place right now, my focus will be a 98lb frame and a 1st overall for my 2nd year. Not kidding, THIS IS IT...(ha how many times has that been said on here?!).

Love to you all from Bertha Mason/Antoinette Cosway (well someone who probably resembles her anyway),

Wednesday, 12 October 2011

Busy Bee

Well my past 10 days have been non-stop.  When I'm not in class or in the library I'm studying at home, at the gym, at dance class or out at socials so basically I haven't really seen my boyfriend even though I live with him.  Despite my busy bee schedule and regular exercise I've only managed to go down 1lb, so hurrah I'm back at 109lbs but my body is resisting the shift big time.  I'm so busy though that I'm probs only completing my food diary about 3 days out of 7.  Also I was really good at cutting fat consumption down but that meant that my carb and sodium intake went up which actually made me gain a little so I found when I let my fat intake go up that both my carb and sodium intake went drastically down which then prompted me to lose that precious 1lb.  Maybe the 1lb was purely water retention from my sodium intake?  Well I'm not a dietitician or nutritionist so I don't have a clue.  All I know is that my eating is slightly irratic, the only constant I have is breakfast which is either a protein shake (if going to the gym) or some instant oats (which are great for filling you up).  Sometimes I'll have three 'meals' a day and others - like today - I'll only get in a breakfast and a supper.  Basically on a Wednesday I have classes and workshops straight through 11am-4pm so my lunch today was two cans of coke zero that I'd managed to pack in my bag this morning.  You may think it's great but the consequence is that I had to miss my dance class because a) I was too tired to go and b) I had joint pain which had set in and I couldn't go and buy any ibuprofen until I'd finished for the afternoon.   So now my brain is slow and fried and I'm struggling to concentrate on my translation work for tomorrow, plus I have a whole play to read and notes to prepare for our workshopping (free translation) of certain scenes...I love the modules I'm doing, they're soooooo interesting and really get the creative juices flowing but I wish there were more hours in a day. 

There's a girl on my course who has lost soooooo much weight from last year, she is anorexic I'm pretty sure, I mean she's tiiiiiny now and out at a social she started talking to me about how she overdid the gym last year and she's quit it this year because it was a problem and I literally cut her off and started talking about myself and then moved onto another I knew she was about to admit her problem but I just couldn't let her do it because in a way I want(ed) to be like her, to have the willpower to just not eat and exercise 24/7 and if she has a problem then I would have a problem and that is NOT ok.  Her size UK4 clothes just hang off her...I know that I wouldn't want to be that small because I'm too vain and if I got to that point my face would be emaciated and I simply couldn't have that, plus I have a tendency for bad skin so if I wasn't getting my Vit A then I would look pretty dire.  But I reeeeally want to make it down to a size UK4, I'm just into size UK6 (bottoms - that's how I measure my size because my top half has always been petite but with big elephant legs) so I reckon another 7lbs and I'll be into US size 0 territory.  I don't know what it is but other girls who look the same size as me tend to weigh about 5-7lbs less, I mean my boyfriend's step-mother is the same height as me and a size up in clothing but she weighs mother always told me her side of the family had 'heavy bones' but I just thought it was an old wives' tale used as an excuse for being fat, anybody  know anything about bone density?

It's my mum's birthday this weekend so I'm off to visit la familia outside of London...Since I am expected to stay for the whole weekend I will have to pack all the work I need to do for Monday and Tuesday (Monday is super busy and I'm out and about until 9pm what with my extra curricular stuff so not much chance of getting work done then) and lug it up there, my Spanish-English dictionary is a bit hefty...

Anyway enough of complaining, I'm sooooo excited about this year, all my modules are fandabadosie and I'm planning my year abroad - currently looking at Medellín in Colombia as it has some private Universities that I could go to and because they're not the competitive state ones it means there's not much of a problem when you fail to turn up for a few classes and happen to go work and travel a bit during term time...hmm sounds tempting. 

Lots of love from a severely disordered girl

Wednesday, 5 October 2011

Kick Start

Hey everyone,

Here's another apology for being a 3rd-rate blogger, I've just been so busy getting everything ready for Uni, working full time and then entertaining people who were staying.  I'm now into my 3rd day of Uni and have kick started myself back into a promising gym routine.  I'm doing an hour 4 days a week at the gym of pure hardcore cardio and now I've joined the gospel choir dance group (2hours a week) and Ballet (1hour a week) so I should be getting 7 hours of exercise a week which is quite good.  I also have 3 extra hours of language lessons on a Monday and various Hispanic Society commitments throughout the Semester so I'm becoming one busy busy lady.  I kind of kicked back last year and got slobbish but I believe keeping busy makes me think I have no time to do work and therefore makes me very efficient when it comes to studying (i.e. studying every spare moment I have).  It also makes me more social as I appreciate time off and actually make the effort to go out and meet up with folk.

I won't lie, I haven't done so well weight-wise.  I am still 110lbs but I was up to 112lbs again which scared me shitless and brought about my subsequent return to 110.  I've recently found out about my general stomach and gut problems, well I've had them for years but only just had a diagnosis.  I have a hiatus hernia which is when the stomach protrudes through the diaphragm, so it's like a normal hernia but just in a different area, I basically have to stop eating acidic things and be on medication for the rest of my life, if I still don't get an improvement I can go in for surgery but I'd rather avoid that - getting spliced open is not my idea of a solution... I also had some blood tests done for allergy testing and I've found out that I do indeed have a wheat allergy which was a relief but I also found out I'm allergic to egg whites, peanuts, hazelnuts, almonds and sesame you can imagine I was slightly miffed about this outcome.  Now my reactions are not massive, I just getting stomach pains, gas, diarrhoea and a general sense of nausea after eating these things so I could in theory go on eating them but just with great discomfort.  I have now been off all of these things for a whole week and I have to admit I feel fantastic, it's sickening to think I can never have peanut butter again or Nutella but I just have to live with it.  I thought my biggest hurdle would be the egg whites but actually I've found that nuts are literally in fucking everything, I feel sorry for people with full-blown nut allergies because it's horrific the amount of stuff you can't eat - this is mainly because of factories not separating lines that handle nuts.  Obviously if the actual foodstuff only says that the product was made in a factory handling nuts then I still eat it because I know my allergy is only small.  Although I was shocked to see how much chocolate contains nuts, not just traces but actual nuts as was depressing.  I have 'moderate' allergies to wheat and hazelnuts and then 'low' allergies to everything else but it's just going to make New Year in Austria this year very interesting because everything Christmas-ie there contains nuts or wheat...luckily I can still have the gluhwein, at least I think nutmeg is still safe, and jagertee is definitely allowed.  I'm now trying to find recipes for lentils and pulses in order to get some kind of fibre as I'm currently surviving on Fybogel to keep me regular and not backed up like a balooned whale. 

Avoiding all of the above is nigh on impossible and has made it highly embarrassing visiting restaurants this past week as it has then limited my choices to about one meal on the entire menu, which is great for me in terms of controlling weight but I feel self-conscious that I'm being too picky.  Also if it turns out that I can only eat one choice which I don't actually like then I become the annoying fussy eater, and believe me although I have issues I am not a fussy eater...I find myself cursing those people on Come Dine With Me who hate everything that's put in front of them - I'm like "why on earth did you go on a cooking programme if you don't like food?!".  I love food and I'm sure I always will but I just control the quantity - as they say it's quality not quantity.  Speaking of which, this new tapas bar around the corner from me is increíble!  It's immensely social, you just stand around and chat and drink with friends while you select small dishes for you all to tuck into and nibble at, the atmosphere is just superb but it is packed everyday of the week even at lunchtime so you have to pick your moment.  Basically it is the most authentic tapas environment I've experienced in the UK, it reminds me a lot of being in Valencia but in all honesty I can't really comment on the tapas scene as I've never been to Sevilla which is THE place for tapas.

Anyhoos I better dash, I've got a chunk of reading for tomorrow plus ballet this evening so I'll say chau for now. 

Saludos de Londres,

Friday, 23 September 2011

Another Year

Hey my lovely ladies!

How are we on this fine (but freezing) afternoon?  I'm finding 19 degrees just a wee bit frosty for my liking although I know it'll now be 6 months of temperatures between -3 to 14 degrees...eugh.  I'd love it if I could just move all the great parts of London to a nice hot country...mmmm sun and heat...although saying that I love snow and skiing...

Anyhows just to let you all know I'm plateauing at movement whatsoever, this is mostly because I have only been to the gym once in one week! ahh I feel like a sloth but I have been spring cleaning and running about the place.  My main obstruction is the amount of reading I have to get done before I start back at uni, it's just huge plus the in-laws are arriving on Sunday for 4 days and we'll be out eating a couple of those nights which is scary because I'm frightened of putting on anymore weight.  I think my mum talked to my bf about my eating because he's been forcing me to finish my plate every evening and giving me massive portion sizes.  I just can't handle it!  Luckily with my new timetable I've scheduled in 4 gym sessions a week, I don't know if I can afford more than that because at the moment going to the gym is a 3hr round trip which takes up a huge chunk of reading/bf time, also I need one full day a week to work so I can actually earn some money otherwise I'll be flying off to Canada in December with only a few dollars in my pocket.

I'm officially a size 6(US2) now as the trousers I now buy are all that size,  before I was a UK6 on top but 8 on the bottom but my bum has reduced enough in size.  lol.  It's a bit annoying as losing weight through exercise has meant my boobs and my bum have completely diminshed, i.e. the curvy bits but on my thighs I think I've only lost about 2mm...what on earth is up with that?!  My goal is actually now a size UK4(US0)  as it won't look that skeletal on me due to my height and frame, my legs won't be that skinny anyhows,  although I might just have become a flat chest by that point...hmm.  Also girlies I'm almost a month late on the period side of things, I'm pretty sure I'm not pregnant due to the fact my boyfriend and I haven't been hugely sexually active and we always use condoms.  I would buy a pregnancy test but they're expensive and I'm a cheap-ass student...I have a dr's appt to get more stomach meds next week so I might just ask for an on-the-spot one whilst I'm there.  Anybody else had this when losing weight?  Purely because even when I was mia and lost 28lbs I never had any problems with my period, it only got a little bit lighter but otherwise stayed regular.

In other news I went for an audition (just for an amateur dramatics company) on Wednesday and have got a callback for tomorrow so that should be exciting, I'm hoping to get a part as I haven't actually been in a proper production since leaving school and I miss being on stage sooooo much, I just love it!  Not just the stage part but the preparation and rehearsals, the social aspect and of course the liberation that acting brings, I just adore it!

Has anybody tried the teeth whitening kits you get from your dentist?  I've just done my first night with the moulds and gel in and today my teeth are super sensitive, I already use Sensodyne toothpaste so I guess there's not much else I can do except grin and bear it until the week's course is finished.  A friend of mine said she had sensitivity for 2 days and then it went away but it's seriously getting on my nerves as I've never experienced tooth sensitivity in my life.  My dentist did also say that I was almost guaranteed to feel it so I know it's normal to some extent but it's just so annoying!  Also the fact I can't drink any Coke Zero, coffee or tea is pissing me off after just half a day, well I can drink them but the results of the whitening will apparantly be significantly less and I didn't just fork out £200 to get a half-arsed result.  I've just realised the irony of the fact I will spend £200 on vanity and won't  spend £12 on a pregnancy test kit...but then again the pregnancy test I can get done on the Health Service and teeth whitening I can't so I suppose that is my reasoning, plus I had to ask my dad for the whitening money so technically it wasn't my money.  Oh dear, how shallow I must sound!  Mind you with all the money I'm saving on coffee and coke zero this week I probably can afford to buy a test kit...I've done it just once before and shoved it to the bottom of my basket and for some reason felt so embarrassed when the guy scanned it through, probably my ingrained Xtian upbringing telling me how stupid it is to get pregnant outside of marriage!  Luckily I never have been pregnant and forced into making that decision because although I hate the thought of denying life I also am one of the most selfish people I know and I also hate the thought of having to sacrifice my life for another's because I was careless enough to get pregnant.  More than anything that's probably why I stayed a virgin so long (not just because of hellfire but) because I was scared of getting pregnant.   I've seen so many of my friends have abortions or sacrifice their futures because of it that it just scared me shitless.

So progress pics time I guess, I was going to waiting until 100lbs but as I already missed my 106lb window I thought I'd give you the difference between 116.6lbs and 110lbs, there's more of a difference I feel in the fact I also went to gym and so there's not as much loose skin as there would have been if it was purely diet.  The 110lbs pic is of me in my bikini instead of underwear, purely because I love the bikini itself but also you are able to see more clearly my loss of boobage and bum - bye bye wonderful breasts!  (my poor bf, he's been mourning the loss of my cleavage recently...)



Love you all so much and 50 followers! I can't believe it!  Big hugs and skinny love (although I wouldn't wish this obsession on anyone) 

Tuesday, 13 September 2011

I'm back!

Well hello beautiful people!

I'm finally back from holiday, my internet out there crapped out in the 3rd day so I was without t'internet for quite some time.  I'm afraid there's no way to catch up on everyone's shenanigans during the past few weeks as I'm busy doing all my reading, fitting in gym, doing a tonne of errands, working and spring cleaning (from scrubbing floors to wiping out the cupboards) in time for next Friday when the father-in-law is visiting.  So I may not be too communicative these next two weeks either.

All I can say is I loved Malta, predictable sunny weather with a tinge of humidity and brilliant, fun-loving people (if not just the faintest bit dramatic).  I enjoyed diving everyday which means my arm muscles are immense (from shifting the heavy gear) but unfortunately my mum succeeded in fattening me up, even my dad got concerned with making me eat...not that I'm an adult or anything?  So I hope you're not all too disappointed but I'm now 110lbs - a 4lb gain (ouch!).  I blame it on the olive oil and nutella.  I'm a sucker for mediterranean food, and even without the wheat there's lots of dips and olives and salads covered in olive oil plus delicious fish, lots and lots of fish!  It was really bad, I have a habit when diving to look at bream in particular and think 'mmmm tasty'...poor fish.  Of course as a diver I also get very protective of marine life when I see people spear fishing, or aimlessly catching damsel fish as a hobby as damsel fish can't be eaten, mostly because they're so small it's hardly worth eating them.  Luckily in the Med there's not so much the Indonesian practice of stunning entire reefs of fish with chemicals for the aquarium trade - basically it stuns the fish causing them to black out and then poisens the coral so entire areas of reef are destroyed because somebody wants a pretty fish or two to look at at home.  I'm sorry if you have home aquariums but I'm very much against them since becoming a diver - probably because as a diver you get your own interactive aquarium under the sea :)

I've been ill with a cold virus for the past few days, body aches the works so today with just a runny nose and sore throat I trekked down to the gym only to discover they're closed for maintenance...bah humbug.  Off now to collect a parcel for the bf and then return to clean the flat and try and fit in at least 3 hours of reading today - so 2 hours of cleaning (bathrooms most likely) and then 3hrs+ of reading for uni.

I'm going to be starting German evening classes and hopefully Mandarin but I'll have to check my class schedule to make sure I can fit it in - my mum kept warning me about not taking on too much but after this year I'm off for my year abroad (fingers crossed Colombia) so I want to get lots fitted in before I go.

Anyways I've got lots to do and it's already midday! eek!  Right love to you all and it's great to be back!

Saturday, 27 August 2011


Off to Malta this evening and still not entirely packed!  I'm always the last minute packer...anyways thought I'd update you as promised to the fact I'm still at 106lbs...eugh.  I did get down to 105 but last night was a big night out which involved a lot of sitting down drinking and snacking so back to 106, blurgh.  At least the temperature in Malta this week is a sweet 30 degrees everyday so bring on the loss of appetite...and the fact that the Italian bread and pasta influence will mean I only have to eat salads and fish :) Only problem is that I can't take my whey protein with me, purely because I'm afraid customs will stop me with a funny powder in my bags, I'm a whimp but I'd prefer to not have the hassle.  I've already arranged for my mum to take me protein shopping tomorrow as I've packed all my workout essentials for early morning runs at least 3 times a week! 

Okay my lovelies ciao for now and hoepfully I'll get a chance to update at least once whilst I'm out there :)