Wednesday, 16 November 2011

Checking In

I'm sooooo sorry for my absence.  Uni and general life has just been non-stop.  I have so many classes, both uni and extra and now all my school friends are moving to London at once so I've been out every spare night to plays, drinks, parties, etc.  It just never stops.  This is actually my first night off with bf out of the house in, well, a veeeery long time.

I will have to have to admit I have not gained or lost a single ounce.  I will admit to the fact I have had no gym time for almost three weeks, this is mainly due to scheduled gym hours being taken up by uni work (it's essay time at the moment) or being hungover, so although I may have miraculously stayed the same weight I feel fatter because I've lost quite a lot of muscle blooming quickly it disappears eh?  I just have no motivation to do my strength exercises either, I think I'm one of those people that if I can't be mega-obsessed and let it take over my life then I fall out of it.  I know that if I was working full-time I would be back to my gym-obsessed ways, purely because I have more of a routine but also because when work finishes, it finishes whereas with Uni if you don't get your reading done in the allotted time you've given yourself then you have to continue on, it doesn't just fit within a specific timetable...

Calorie intake is unknown also, I'm just not counting, I just don't have time, I'm here then there then back here again...but you know what?  I'm really happy, the fact the obsession is not dominating my every thought is amazing and for some reason my weight seems to have shifted from my thighs to my boobs so I can now fit easily into UK6 all types of clothing and even with increased boobage I have a few UK4(US0) tops in my wardrobe.  I couldn't believe it, I feel like it's not true, that the highstreet is playing a cruel joke on me by upping their measurements without telling anyone.

I'll hipefully check in again soooooon! Boyfriend is just back in the door - and he's a bit nosy about my computer activity so I'll say ciao for now


Friday, 21 October 2011

Turn Around

A fabulous 200cal total for breakfast and lunch plus a 620cal burn at the gym and then.....oh a 1000cal binge which resulted in a painful purge (west indian hot pepper sauce was consumed...) and guess what?  A huge sense of fucking tragic.  I was so good for so long but that smug little devil in the back of my mind is back saying 'fuck you fat, I'm going to spew my guts out until only bile remains'...Well back into insanity I guess.  I can restrict to about 800cals normally but there's that satisfaction knowing that if you purge that last bit you ate then it's more likely you'll weigh less the next day...I thought I was over this nightmare?!  I didn't want to become another girl spiralling into the abyss, I swore to myself I wouldn't go back to that teenage angst, well honestly I don't have that self-hatred that I used to have but the mia certainly hasn't buried her head in the sand.  The last time I felt truely good about my appearance was when I was 15 and chubby, I'm now 42lbs lighter and feeling fat.  Why should I moan when I only have myself to blame? I don't want to be this obsessed forever but I know that me not ever caring would equal a sudden weight gain, on the other hand exercising & still watching what I eat would equal me now - forever on the brink of another purge. 

I don't like sharing this with you girls, in fact I feel positively wretched that I'm even admitting it.  I don't want to be human, I don't want to be weak.  I constantly tell myself I will achieve my goals and I never let myself doubt that so why should I put doubt into those following me?  Argh.  I will be perfection, I will rise up and take all!, inner ramblings really shouldn't be made public, it only serves to remind me that I have the ability to be utterly delusional.  Well I hate moaning because I hate moaners, although I actually am the agony aunt of my friends... scratch that, it's not that I hate moaners, I suppose with both my brother and my mother having depression growing up I just got sick of everything being so bloody grey and miserable, if you want it - seize it!  Don't just sit there and wallow....obviously depression is an illness but my exposure to it never made me sympathetic, it took away my childhood and made me grow up too fast...I don't ever remember being as immature as all other friends of my age, I could only act immature by getting ridiculously drunk, and even then I was the one holding back everyone else's hair and calling their mothers to come get them or telling them to expect their sons or daughters home paraletic in a paid for taxi.  I suppose I appreciate not letting all of my dignity go, but now when I do get to cut loose I get told off by my bf the next day for being an embarrassment... so it seems I never will get that window back where I could be immature and get away with it. 

So to make up for my mischevious purge I have already done 200 jumping jacks and a range of strengthening exercises from crunches to squats to press ups.  This will probably continue until the bf returns home from his works drinks at midnight.  I will not and cannot gain, I have to lose, I will lose, losing will be my middle name and a roaring stomach will be my best friend.  And now I sound psychotic.  Brilliant.  I wish I could write sensibly and be rational and objective...but hey I'm not in that place right now, my focus will be a 98lb frame and a 1st overall for my 2nd year. Not kidding, THIS IS IT...(ha how many times has that been said on here?!).

Love to you all from Bertha Mason/Antoinette Cosway (well someone who probably resembles her anyway),

Wednesday, 12 October 2011

Busy Bee

Well my past 10 days have been non-stop.  When I'm not in class or in the library I'm studying at home, at the gym, at dance class or out at socials so basically I haven't really seen my boyfriend even though I live with him.  Despite my busy bee schedule and regular exercise I've only managed to go down 1lb, so hurrah I'm back at 109lbs but my body is resisting the shift big time.  I'm so busy though that I'm probs only completing my food diary about 3 days out of 7.  Also I was really good at cutting fat consumption down but that meant that my carb and sodium intake went up which actually made me gain a little so I found when I let my fat intake go up that both my carb and sodium intake went drastically down which then prompted me to lose that precious 1lb.  Maybe the 1lb was purely water retention from my sodium intake?  Well I'm not a dietitician or nutritionist so I don't have a clue.  All I know is that my eating is slightly irratic, the only constant I have is breakfast which is either a protein shake (if going to the gym) or some instant oats (which are great for filling you up).  Sometimes I'll have three 'meals' a day and others - like today - I'll only get in a breakfast and a supper.  Basically on a Wednesday I have classes and workshops straight through 11am-4pm so my lunch today was two cans of coke zero that I'd managed to pack in my bag this morning.  You may think it's great but the consequence is that I had to miss my dance class because a) I was too tired to go and b) I had joint pain which had set in and I couldn't go and buy any ibuprofen until I'd finished for the afternoon.   So now my brain is slow and fried and I'm struggling to concentrate on my translation work for tomorrow, plus I have a whole play to read and notes to prepare for our workshopping (free translation) of certain scenes...I love the modules I'm doing, they're soooooo interesting and really get the creative juices flowing but I wish there were more hours in a day. 

There's a girl on my course who has lost soooooo much weight from last year, she is anorexic I'm pretty sure, I mean she's tiiiiiny now and out at a social she started talking to me about how she overdid the gym last year and she's quit it this year because it was a problem and I literally cut her off and started talking about myself and then moved onto another I knew she was about to admit her problem but I just couldn't let her do it because in a way I want(ed) to be like her, to have the willpower to just not eat and exercise 24/7 and if she has a problem then I would have a problem and that is NOT ok.  Her size UK4 clothes just hang off her...I know that I wouldn't want to be that small because I'm too vain and if I got to that point my face would be emaciated and I simply couldn't have that, plus I have a tendency for bad skin so if I wasn't getting my Vit A then I would look pretty dire.  But I reeeeally want to make it down to a size UK4, I'm just into size UK6 (bottoms - that's how I measure my size because my top half has always been petite but with big elephant legs) so I reckon another 7lbs and I'll be into US size 0 territory.  I don't know what it is but other girls who look the same size as me tend to weigh about 5-7lbs less, I mean my boyfriend's step-mother is the same height as me and a size up in clothing but she weighs mother always told me her side of the family had 'heavy bones' but I just thought it was an old wives' tale used as an excuse for being fat, anybody  know anything about bone density?

It's my mum's birthday this weekend so I'm off to visit la familia outside of London...Since I am expected to stay for the whole weekend I will have to pack all the work I need to do for Monday and Tuesday (Monday is super busy and I'm out and about until 9pm what with my extra curricular stuff so not much chance of getting work done then) and lug it up there, my Spanish-English dictionary is a bit hefty...

Anyway enough of complaining, I'm sooooo excited about this year, all my modules are fandabadosie and I'm planning my year abroad - currently looking at Medellín in Colombia as it has some private Universities that I could go to and because they're not the competitive state ones it means there's not much of a problem when you fail to turn up for a few classes and happen to go work and travel a bit during term time...hmm sounds tempting. 

Lots of love from a severely disordered girl

Wednesday, 5 October 2011

Kick Start

Hey everyone,

Here's another apology for being a 3rd-rate blogger, I've just been so busy getting everything ready for Uni, working full time and then entertaining people who were staying.  I'm now into my 3rd day of Uni and have kick started myself back into a promising gym routine.  I'm doing an hour 4 days a week at the gym of pure hardcore cardio and now I've joined the gospel choir dance group (2hours a week) and Ballet (1hour a week) so I should be getting 7 hours of exercise a week which is quite good.  I also have 3 extra hours of language lessons on a Monday and various Hispanic Society commitments throughout the Semester so I'm becoming one busy busy lady.  I kind of kicked back last year and got slobbish but I believe keeping busy makes me think I have no time to do work and therefore makes me very efficient when it comes to studying (i.e. studying every spare moment I have).  It also makes me more social as I appreciate time off and actually make the effort to go out and meet up with folk.

I won't lie, I haven't done so well weight-wise.  I am still 110lbs but I was up to 112lbs again which scared me shitless and brought about my subsequent return to 110.  I've recently found out about my general stomach and gut problems, well I've had them for years but only just had a diagnosis.  I have a hiatus hernia which is when the stomach protrudes through the diaphragm, so it's like a normal hernia but just in a different area, I basically have to stop eating acidic things and be on medication for the rest of my life, if I still don't get an improvement I can go in for surgery but I'd rather avoid that - getting spliced open is not my idea of a solution... I also had some blood tests done for allergy testing and I've found out that I do indeed have a wheat allergy which was a relief but I also found out I'm allergic to egg whites, peanuts, hazelnuts, almonds and sesame you can imagine I was slightly miffed about this outcome.  Now my reactions are not massive, I just getting stomach pains, gas, diarrhoea and a general sense of nausea after eating these things so I could in theory go on eating them but just with great discomfort.  I have now been off all of these things for a whole week and I have to admit I feel fantastic, it's sickening to think I can never have peanut butter again or Nutella but I just have to live with it.  I thought my biggest hurdle would be the egg whites but actually I've found that nuts are literally in fucking everything, I feel sorry for people with full-blown nut allergies because it's horrific the amount of stuff you can't eat - this is mainly because of factories not separating lines that handle nuts.  Obviously if the actual foodstuff only says that the product was made in a factory handling nuts then I still eat it because I know my allergy is only small.  Although I was shocked to see how much chocolate contains nuts, not just traces but actual nuts as was depressing.  I have 'moderate' allergies to wheat and hazelnuts and then 'low' allergies to everything else but it's just going to make New Year in Austria this year very interesting because everything Christmas-ie there contains nuts or wheat...luckily I can still have the gluhwein, at least I think nutmeg is still safe, and jagertee is definitely allowed.  I'm now trying to find recipes for lentils and pulses in order to get some kind of fibre as I'm currently surviving on Fybogel to keep me regular and not backed up like a balooned whale. 

Avoiding all of the above is nigh on impossible and has made it highly embarrassing visiting restaurants this past week as it has then limited my choices to about one meal on the entire menu, which is great for me in terms of controlling weight but I feel self-conscious that I'm being too picky.  Also if it turns out that I can only eat one choice which I don't actually like then I become the annoying fussy eater, and believe me although I have issues I am not a fussy eater...I find myself cursing those people on Come Dine With Me who hate everything that's put in front of them - I'm like "why on earth did you go on a cooking programme if you don't like food?!".  I love food and I'm sure I always will but I just control the quantity - as they say it's quality not quantity.  Speaking of which, this new tapas bar around the corner from me is increíble!  It's immensely social, you just stand around and chat and drink with friends while you select small dishes for you all to tuck into and nibble at, the atmosphere is just superb but it is packed everyday of the week even at lunchtime so you have to pick your moment.  Basically it is the most authentic tapas environment I've experienced in the UK, it reminds me a lot of being in Valencia but in all honesty I can't really comment on the tapas scene as I've never been to Sevilla which is THE place for tapas.

Anyhoos I better dash, I've got a chunk of reading for tomorrow plus ballet this evening so I'll say chau for now. 

Saludos de Londres,

Friday, 23 September 2011

Another Year

Hey my lovely ladies!

How are we on this fine (but freezing) afternoon?  I'm finding 19 degrees just a wee bit frosty for my liking although I know it'll now be 6 months of temperatures between -3 to 14 degrees...eugh.  I'd love it if I could just move all the great parts of London to a nice hot country...mmmm sun and heat...although saying that I love snow and skiing...

Anyhows just to let you all know I'm plateauing at movement whatsoever, this is mostly because I have only been to the gym once in one week! ahh I feel like a sloth but I have been spring cleaning and running about the place.  My main obstruction is the amount of reading I have to get done before I start back at uni, it's just huge plus the in-laws are arriving on Sunday for 4 days and we'll be out eating a couple of those nights which is scary because I'm frightened of putting on anymore weight.  I think my mum talked to my bf about my eating because he's been forcing me to finish my plate every evening and giving me massive portion sizes.  I just can't handle it!  Luckily with my new timetable I've scheduled in 4 gym sessions a week, I don't know if I can afford more than that because at the moment going to the gym is a 3hr round trip which takes up a huge chunk of reading/bf time, also I need one full day a week to work so I can actually earn some money otherwise I'll be flying off to Canada in December with only a few dollars in my pocket.

I'm officially a size 6(US2) now as the trousers I now buy are all that size,  before I was a UK6 on top but 8 on the bottom but my bum has reduced enough in size.  lol.  It's a bit annoying as losing weight through exercise has meant my boobs and my bum have completely diminshed, i.e. the curvy bits but on my thighs I think I've only lost about 2mm...what on earth is up with that?!  My goal is actually now a size UK4(US0)  as it won't look that skeletal on me due to my height and frame, my legs won't be that skinny anyhows,  although I might just have become a flat chest by that point...hmm.  Also girlies I'm almost a month late on the period side of things, I'm pretty sure I'm not pregnant due to the fact my boyfriend and I haven't been hugely sexually active and we always use condoms.  I would buy a pregnancy test but they're expensive and I'm a cheap-ass student...I have a dr's appt to get more stomach meds next week so I might just ask for an on-the-spot one whilst I'm there.  Anybody else had this when losing weight?  Purely because even when I was mia and lost 28lbs I never had any problems with my period, it only got a little bit lighter but otherwise stayed regular.

In other news I went for an audition (just for an amateur dramatics company) on Wednesday and have got a callback for tomorrow so that should be exciting, I'm hoping to get a part as I haven't actually been in a proper production since leaving school and I miss being on stage sooooo much, I just love it!  Not just the stage part but the preparation and rehearsals, the social aspect and of course the liberation that acting brings, I just adore it!

Has anybody tried the teeth whitening kits you get from your dentist?  I've just done my first night with the moulds and gel in and today my teeth are super sensitive, I already use Sensodyne toothpaste so I guess there's not much else I can do except grin and bear it until the week's course is finished.  A friend of mine said she had sensitivity for 2 days and then it went away but it's seriously getting on my nerves as I've never experienced tooth sensitivity in my life.  My dentist did also say that I was almost guaranteed to feel it so I know it's normal to some extent but it's just so annoying!  Also the fact I can't drink any Coke Zero, coffee or tea is pissing me off after just half a day, well I can drink them but the results of the whitening will apparantly be significantly less and I didn't just fork out £200 to get a half-arsed result.  I've just realised the irony of the fact I will spend £200 on vanity and won't  spend £12 on a pregnancy test kit...but then again the pregnancy test I can get done on the Health Service and teeth whitening I can't so I suppose that is my reasoning, plus I had to ask my dad for the whitening money so technically it wasn't my money.  Oh dear, how shallow I must sound!  Mind you with all the money I'm saving on coffee and coke zero this week I probably can afford to buy a test kit...I've done it just once before and shoved it to the bottom of my basket and for some reason felt so embarrassed when the guy scanned it through, probably my ingrained Xtian upbringing telling me how stupid it is to get pregnant outside of marriage!  Luckily I never have been pregnant and forced into making that decision because although I hate the thought of denying life I also am one of the most selfish people I know and I also hate the thought of having to sacrifice my life for another's because I was careless enough to get pregnant.  More than anything that's probably why I stayed a virgin so long (not just because of hellfire but) because I was scared of getting pregnant.   I've seen so many of my friends have abortions or sacrifice their futures because of it that it just scared me shitless.

So progress pics time I guess, I was going to waiting until 100lbs but as I already missed my 106lb window I thought I'd give you the difference between 116.6lbs and 110lbs, there's more of a difference I feel in the fact I also went to gym and so there's not as much loose skin as there would have been if it was purely diet.  The 110lbs pic is of me in my bikini instead of underwear, purely because I love the bikini itself but also you are able to see more clearly my loss of boobage and bum - bye bye wonderful breasts!  (my poor bf, he's been mourning the loss of my cleavage recently...)



Love you all so much and 50 followers! I can't believe it!  Big hugs and skinny love (although I wouldn't wish this obsession on anyone) 

Tuesday, 13 September 2011

I'm back!

Well hello beautiful people!

I'm finally back from holiday, my internet out there crapped out in the 3rd day so I was without t'internet for quite some time.  I'm afraid there's no way to catch up on everyone's shenanigans during the past few weeks as I'm busy doing all my reading, fitting in gym, doing a tonne of errands, working and spring cleaning (from scrubbing floors to wiping out the cupboards) in time for next Friday when the father-in-law is visiting.  So I may not be too communicative these next two weeks either.

All I can say is I loved Malta, predictable sunny weather with a tinge of humidity and brilliant, fun-loving people (if not just the faintest bit dramatic).  I enjoyed diving everyday which means my arm muscles are immense (from shifting the heavy gear) but unfortunately my mum succeeded in fattening me up, even my dad got concerned with making me eat...not that I'm an adult or anything?  So I hope you're not all too disappointed but I'm now 110lbs - a 4lb gain (ouch!).  I blame it on the olive oil and nutella.  I'm a sucker for mediterranean food, and even without the wheat there's lots of dips and olives and salads covered in olive oil plus delicious fish, lots and lots of fish!  It was really bad, I have a habit when diving to look at bream in particular and think 'mmmm tasty'...poor fish.  Of course as a diver I also get very protective of marine life when I see people spear fishing, or aimlessly catching damsel fish as a hobby as damsel fish can't be eaten, mostly because they're so small it's hardly worth eating them.  Luckily in the Med there's not so much the Indonesian practice of stunning entire reefs of fish with chemicals for the aquarium trade - basically it stuns the fish causing them to black out and then poisens the coral so entire areas of reef are destroyed because somebody wants a pretty fish or two to look at at home.  I'm sorry if you have home aquariums but I'm very much against them since becoming a diver - probably because as a diver you get your own interactive aquarium under the sea :)

I've been ill with a cold virus for the past few days, body aches the works so today with just a runny nose and sore throat I trekked down to the gym only to discover they're closed for maintenance...bah humbug.  Off now to collect a parcel for the bf and then return to clean the flat and try and fit in at least 3 hours of reading today - so 2 hours of cleaning (bathrooms most likely) and then 3hrs+ of reading for uni.

I'm going to be starting German evening classes and hopefully Mandarin but I'll have to check my class schedule to make sure I can fit it in - my mum kept warning me about not taking on too much but after this year I'm off for my year abroad (fingers crossed Colombia) so I want to get lots fitted in before I go.

Anyways I've got lots to do and it's already midday! eek!  Right love to you all and it's great to be back!

Saturday, 27 August 2011


Off to Malta this evening and still not entirely packed!  I'm always the last minute packer...anyways thought I'd update you as promised to the fact I'm still at 106lbs...eugh.  I did get down to 105 but last night was a big night out which involved a lot of sitting down drinking and snacking so back to 106, blurgh.  At least the temperature in Malta this week is a sweet 30 degrees everyday so bring on the loss of appetite...and the fact that the Italian bread and pasta influence will mean I only have to eat salads and fish :) Only problem is that I can't take my whey protein with me, purely because I'm afraid customs will stop me with a funny powder in my bags, I'm a whimp but I'd prefer to not have the hassle.  I've already arranged for my mum to take me protein shopping tomorrow as I've packed all my workout essentials for early morning runs at least 3 times a week! 

Okay my lovelies ciao for now and hoepfully I'll get a chance to update at least once whilst I'm out there :)

Sunday, 21 August 2011

Losing and other ramblings

So I'm now down to 106lbs! yay!  It hasn't been easy but I'm happy that I'm making progress and not shooting myself in the foot (by binging).  The other factor is that now since I've been put on a wheat-free diet I can just say that I'm wheat intolerant and people don't question why I don't eat!  It truly is brilliant. 

A massive thanks to all you lovely ladies for advising me on what dress to wear :)  I looked fabulous thanks to you guys!  The wedding went amazingly, I think the speeches were the best part I was in absolute stitches :)  I caught up with a childhood friend who I hadn't seen in 4 years and he really hasn't changed one bit apart from the fact he's bulked out a bit more.  The food was amazing, we had a monkfish 'amuse-bush' (that word makes me think of the 70's for some reason) then some rabbit which was deep fried in breadcrumbs so thankfully I could use my wheat excuse there, then we had a gorgeously rare steak (I love it still bleeding) which I couldn't finish because I can't handle that much meat in one go and for dessert there was tiramisu but obviously that has biscuit layers so another hi-five for the wheat intolerance...the waiters said they would bring me a fruit salad instead and basically it was chopped up fruit on a plate which was fine with me :)  I think my childhood friend had a field day with my leftovers, he hoovered them up ecstactically. 

I can't describe how much I've missed him, we used to be like brother and sister and it's so good to get that back again since my own actual brother (although I love him) is a total numpty, I honestly think he's 'challenged' in some way - for example he made creme brulee but on doubling the ingredients he didn't double the sugar so thought it would be a brilliant idea to put bitter cocoa poweder on I pointed out that cocoa poweder would actually make it taste less sweet and he decided to solve the problem by ingeniously trying to hoover the cocoa powder off the tops of the creme brulee and in the process took half the creme brulee with it...oh my gosh I literally was in hysterics - I mean who thinks it's a brilliant idea to hoover up a creme brulee in order to get cocoa powder off the top???!!!  My dad threw a fit and made him scrub out the hoover, I just thought it was hilarious but it also makes me think that there really isn't any hope for him.  I'd like to point out also that he is my older brother and will be turning 27 this year so these aren't the mistakes of a teenage boy.

Love to you all and sorry for not blogging more frequently, my bf has been breathing down my neck and I'm working full-time at the moment so I don't have the chance to have alone time on the computer.  I'm off to Malta from next weekend as well for a 2 week holiday with the family so I may not get a chance to blog whilst I'm out there.  So this is basically an apology  in advance :)  I will update my weight before I leave and then hopefully I won't gain whilst I'm out there and I'll check in and natter on when I get back. 
Stay strong everyone

Saturday, 13 August 2011


Wow, thank you for the fabulous responses!  I really appreciate all your opinions and I have decided to go with the majority and opt for Dress number 2!  Woohoo! I'm going to look hot thanks to you guys :) 

So second news of the day is that I'm finally down to 108!  Well 108.4lbs to be precise but I'm happy nonetheless :)  Once I reach 106lbs I've promised myself a shopping spree which might be difficult as I'm flat broke and trying to save money for my holiday to Canada in December...well I'll see if the sales are still on otherwise I might set foot in Primark for the 1st time in my life or might try and find some bargains at Spitalfields (clothes market in East London).  I have nothing against Primark but as a teenager I became aware that most people wore it and living in a small city the shopping options were limited which meant at least once a week you were likely to bump into someone wearing the same item of clothing, therefore since Primark was so popular I just stayed away from it, much like I do with Topshop nowadays but that has the ridiculous mark up in prices to add to it.  At least Primark know that price matches quality whereas Topshop loves to increase its prices whilst declining in quality, a lot of my H&M tops have lasted a lot longer than my Topshop ones. 

Anyway I was all set up to go to the gym and then my boyfriend announces he wants me to go to a football match with him today because his friend has pulled out and he doesn't want to go alone.  If I go it means I won't have time to both go to the gym AND straighten my hair before my friends come round for pre-drinks so since I have realised that my relationship means more to me than the gym I am dutifully now cleaning the flat, straightening my hair and then going to the football match instead.  Unfortunately it's forecasted to be drizzle all this afternoon which is the worst weather for my hair...great... I hope he appreciates this! Especially as I won't be able to go to the gym tomorrow on a hangover and I'm working full-time from Monday so it's going to be hard to drag my bum out of bed to go before work - I can't go after work because by that time I'm about to collapse from hunger and as a receptionist it's hard to eat something at your desk also if I go after work I won't get home until about 9pm and I don't eat anything past 8pm as a rule.  Argh.  Oh well love rules all! 

Speak to you lovelies soon

Friday, 12 August 2011

Decisions, Decisions...?!

Hey ladies, I would really appreciate it if you could help me choose what dress to wear to this wedding next Saturday.  It's really between two different dresses as the third one is just to mix it up a bit.  It will be a late afternoon heading into evening wedding which is nicer for me in that I don't have to dress too tea-party(ish).  So bearing that in mind here is:

Dress number 1:  from Oasis, already worn twice to other weddings (but still loved)

Unfortunately I don't have a cleavage for this one anymore (it's a size UK10 and I bought it when I was 15lbs heavier) but because of the style I can tie the bow at the back and tighten the adjustable straps to make it look smaller :)

Dress number 2: by Catherine Malandrino, more of evening dress but I love the style and can be softened with a boyfriend blazer and fascinator

Apart from my knees looking super chunky, the picture doesn't do the dress enough justice.  I thought it was appropriate as it's not too short and there's no flashing of cleavage either, after all the bride is meant to shine :)

Dress number 3: from NW3, very summer tea party dress but I haven't worn it yet so I thought I'd pop it in anyway :)

Sorry for the bad quality.  This one is flowery and is silk so I thought it was more appropriate for a summer wedding, however the wedding starts at 4pm so I don't know if I'd feel a bit dressed down later on when on the dancefloor.

So there you go ladies, please let me know what you think as I want to buy a fascinator over the weekend to go with the favoured dress :)

Thank you for your help!!!

Spicing Up Whey Protein

Hey ladies,

I want to say thanks to all of you for your comments on my last post, I'm glad everyone was angry like me!  All is quiet now it seems which is good.

I just wanted to drop in and say that since upping my whey protein shakes to replace breakfast and lunch I have found that adding cinnamon makes it taste waaaay more appetising!  I chose the vanilla flavour in the first place as chocolate and strawberry remind me of those flavoured milk cartons you got in Primary School...yuck!  I was always a plain milk girl :)  So if anyone has the vanilla flavoured shakes you should try adding some cinnamon, not only is it tasty but cinnamon actually increases your metabolism as well so it's a win win situation. 

I'm back up to 110.2lbs which sucks but I know it's from the hangover binge I had on Sunday which then creeped over into Monday.  Oops...oh well I'm hoping to be back down to 109lbs tomorrow as all I'm eating today are protein shakes and egg whites plus I've had a 517cal blitz at the gym this morning so that should shock my body a bit.  I've got that beach rave tomorrow night so if I'm not down to the 109lb region I may cry off(especially as it'll be full of tiny tiny oriental girls)...I also have a wedding next Saturday which is being held by some extremely rich friends of the family so as sad as it seems I want to look (pardon the term) 'smoking' in order to be able to flirt with some hot rich chappies.  How shallow right?  Well to be frank I'd flirt with any guy if he was good looking enough purely because I'm a conceited attention-seeking girl, my boyfriend hasn't really been paying attention to me and he actively told me the other day that he couldn't wait for me to start studying again so that he could spend his evenings playing PS3 I feel really appreciated... I sound ridiculous but my self-esteem is probably not the highest anyway and for my love of 3 years to say that makes me feel pretty small.  I told him I didn't like it but he shrugged it off and I didn't make a big deal out of it.  I do know he loves me but that's only because of speaking to friends of ours, I wish he'd express it to me sometimes :(

Oh well enough melancholy self-pitying, I hope you girlies are fighting the fight. 
Love to you all

Tuesday, 9 August 2011

London Riots

Well exciting stuff, riots all over the shop!

Basically uneducated kids who are 3rd generation benefit claimers, left school at 12 and can't understand why the world hasn't been handed to them on a plate because they've had no one to give them a leading example.  Makes my blood boil because they are actually thick as pig shit.  They basically can't be arsed to work their way out of poverty and resent those who do.  We have a more than generous benefits system, healthcare system and education system and they complain that they don't have a fucking Lambourgini to drive around.  I actually would love it if a penal colony was set up in East Africa and they were shipped out to fend for themselves in the famine, see how they like it when they have real problems. 

My area doesn't seem to be too bad, our nearest Tesco store has been looted and now I have to pay double the price for everything at the smaller Sainsbury's...I'm a student so I can't exactly afford it! I've joined the Riot Clean Up, best thing I can do besides training to be a sniper and picking off the idiots one by one.

Sorry for the angry rant but I have no sympathy for stupid people who could have had a chance at intelligence if only they'd actually taken advantage of everything they have been given for free!  I managed fine at state school, 2 very rough ones in fact, I just put my head down and studied and I never took it for granted. 

Anyway rant over I need to get back to work, I'll update later ladies.

Friday, 5 August 2011


Just a quick post to shout out my joy!  I'm now down to 109.2lbs, and I hope to continue losing at about 2lbs a week until I reach my target weight.  I am commited and I'm even sacrificing a beer festival tonight in order to keep on track! 

The reason for the title is due to the fact that I bought 2 pairs of designer jeans off of ebay 6 months ago which I couldn't even get past my thighs, at 114lbs I still couldn't get the button done up.  However today (even though I was scared of depressing myself) I managed to do the buttons up and still be able to breathe! woohoo!  There's no muffin top mainly due to my gym sessions but I can still see a little bulge, so after I reach 106lbs I will try them on again and see the difference :) 

Love you all!

Wednesday, 3 August 2011

Half a Stone

Well my ladies I thought I'd do a quick post about the fact I have officially lost a total of 7lbs or as we measure it here in the UK half a stone!  This is from middle of May although I didn't start the blog until end of May.  I know I'm not back down to 109lbs but I think I need to encourage myself in some way especially as I was able to achieve a 0.2lb loss form last week after a horrible binging weekend. 

I am now religiously using My Fitness Pal as a way to count everything that goes into my mouth and the amount of exercise I do.  Due to my natural laziness gene I find it really useful in that it has a lot more foodstuffs on its database and it will work out fractions for you so you don't have to work out a quarter of 334cals (for example).  It recommends 1,200cals a day minimum but that's because it has to and I love the way I can track my protein, fat, carb, fibre and sodium intake.  At the end of the day when you finalise everything it roughly tells you how much you would weigh in 5 weeks if everyday was like that one.  I also am a lot more careful as when I was hand-writing calories I tended to miscalculate or not include small things like fruit, etc. But with this I can visibly see the mountain of food I am actually eating. 

I am giving blood next week so I started taking my iron supplements over the weekend, it has resulted in my use of Benefibre from yesterday but with no real result.  I hate taking iron supplements but it seems to be the only way to get my HB level up to 12.5 which is the minimum for giving blood - even though the normal range for women is between 11.4-15(point something).  I'm usually around 11.8 naturally so hopefully my spinach-scoffing and iron tablet-taking will be enough.  So I just have to suffer a week of constipation.  I am actually considering colonic irrigation (it's been on Groupon) just to see how much I lose, I bet it would be about 2lbs!  However I think I'm probably too much of a prude and wouldn't let anyone near my bum.  lol.

Anyway enough about rotten guts!  I'm off to enjoy/endure the 30degree cloudy weather today in London...mainly by going to the gym and then to work, hopefully the predicted monsoon weather will wait until tomorrow.  Britain can't deal with heat, we have about 3 days of mid-late twenties heat and then it chucks it down and cools right back down to below 20 degrees! Meh, I'm looking forward to September and a free holiday to Malta to see my parents :)  (although the rains usually start in Malta in September...but at least it will be guaranteed warm weather everyday). 
Love to you all

Monday, 1 August 2011

Weekend Madness

Ahh total binge weekend.  Even though I felt bloated and ridiculously whale-like due to my period being due (and yet it still hasn't come on...what is that all about?!) I managed to scoff down lots of chicken and even half a chinese over the weekend.  Meh.  Obviously I thought 5 days out of 7 at the gym was surely enough but because I was so restless and managed to do an entire spring clean and be left with nothing else to do I ended up stuffing my face...boredom I hate it!  I would have done thinspiration for hours but my bf insisted on spending hours on end cuddling on the sofa, which I love when I'm tired in the evening but during warm, sunny days it just makes me itch - especially as I have a new found love of working out.  Also he then decides to put on football highlights from last season to gear him up for the new season...I'm pretty sure he has noticed I am not the biggest football fan, so this made me even more frustrated and I just kept snacking - one ryvita here, another there.  Luckily most of my binging was done on ryvita, turkey slices and fruit but yesterday my bf wanted a roast so instead of the one roast potato I was going to eat it ended up being 5 by the end of the day.  Argh this thing is making me resent my own bf for being so lazy!  After a hard week at work he likes to chill out which I understand but can he not do it outside?  I have started to get cabin fever from being cooped up here all weekend and now I can't go out until my laxatives have worked through.  I took a very high dose at about 8pm last night and it still hasn't worked its way through because I ate so bloody much, so now I can't go to the gym until it's all out because I don't like the feeling when you're half way through your run and you have to run to the changing rooms, you can't even wipe down your machine.  Plus I'm holed up in the bedroom because the window cleaners are out today and we have a living room which consists of 1/2 floor to ceiling glass - I can't exactly be looking at thinspo with them peering through can I?  They have to do the whole building so I imagine they won't be gone for at least another 3 hours, eugh. 

I'm also angry because if I hadn't eaten so much I wouldn't have taken a double dose of laxatives which means I wouldn't have to stay here until they pass through and I wouldn't have to go to the gym in 27 degree heat this afternoon.  My gym is a poor student gym so the air con only seems to reach you about half of the time.  Blurgh I feel bloated and miserable,  mix time of the month with a weekend of over-eating and a handful of laxatives...not enjoyable.  I am actually feeling suffocated by my bf, it's not good.  The only good thing is that he finally resigned on Saturday that I need to buy my own half of the food shop as I now can't eat anything with wheat in and I do choose all the zero fat, low calorie things which he hates - he's a full fat coke kind of man.  Unfortunately when he suggested sausages, I happily pointed out that the three packets in a row I had examined all contained wheat flour, unfortunately he picked up the next one and happily exclaimed that that packet didn't so I now have to dodge Bangers and Mash night somehow...the only way I can see out is too cook it all before he gets home and pretend I've already eaten because I was too hungry to wait, which I think he could believe as I'm prone to sugar crashes and carry emergency sweets with me anyway.

I haven't bothered weighing myself this morning, I think it would make me consider jumping off the balcony or - as I used to do as a very unhappy teenager - punch myself in the stomach in disgust (yes I used to do that, not proud but hey I can't hide the fact I have a disorederd past).   I might weigh myself after the laxatives have worked but we'll see, I'm not eating anything until I do go but my mouth is starting to dry up so I should really drink some just feels like every millilitre counts towards being an enormous fat pig. 

Sorry for the negativity, I hate disappointing myself and failing - I'm not used to failing in a lot of other areas in my life and so it makes me a bit mad when I fail at this.  Hope everyone is well and I hope I haven't brought anybody else down, I promise to be more positive after I get my head screwed back on straight.

Thursday, 28 July 2011

Water Weight

Hey everyone! 

Well I've been to the gym everyday this week so far and I'll be going tomorrow again :)  I now am slightly addicted, the thought of not going this morning sent me into a panic.  I have to say my totals for intake have been around 1000cals each day which has meant that I've been maintaining the same weight.  My period is due literally now so I'm hoping it's just a bit of water weight plus the fact I managed to consume a whole 'small' salted popcorn at the cinema which won't have done anything for my water retention.  Today was going really well until after supper I realised I'd only eaten about 390cals for the whole day...which then led me to have two rather large teaspoons of Nutella...argh!  So with a total now of 570cals instead I'm feeling good I'm under 1000 but horrified I gave in to such temptation, I did 593cals worth of eliptical this morning but now I'm waiting for an hour until I can do some strength training and then my pilates DVD so that hopefully I won't see too much damage tomorrow morning.  The calories don't seem too bad but it's the hidden fat and sugar which then turns into horrible fat!  I've noticed that after drinking almost 3 litres of water already today that I don't have much of an appetite, water really does fill you up if you drink enough of it.

My whey protein powder arrived today so meal replacement starts tomorrow, yay!  I thought I might do breakfast replacement 5 days a week and see how that goes, if I need to I'll up it to breakfast and lunch but I'm concerned about getting my fruit and veggies in as well.  Although I'm taking Multivits, Acai, Calcium +VitD, Bvit Complex, Iron, Cod Liver Oil and L-Carnitine at the moment so maybe I don't need to worry so much!  I generally don't include my pills in my calorie intake but that's because I see them as an essential for living, is that cheating??

At work today the girls in reception told me I was looking tiny...which I don't understand as they saw me last week and I was exactly the same weight.  All I want are skinny legs but so far I've lost weight off my stomach and my boobs have gone down a cup size and my big wobbly legs have stayed exactly the same!  Where's the justice?  Well I still see a fatty in the mirror so I won't stop until I reach my goal weight.   I'm going to a Beach Rave night in two weeks so my goal is to achieve those fab abs and at least have lost half an inch off my bulky thighs.  It's going to be all tiny oriental girls so I have to be ready! 

Thank you for listening to my jumbled ramblings of calories and weight-obsessed thoughts, I'm sure it can be quite tiresome!  Love to you all, it's just great to know there are those that understand me :)

Monday, 25 July 2011

Pick Yourself Up And Dust Yourself Off

Firstly I'd like to apologise for not blogging as regularly as I have been doing.  I'm back on track after a weekend of partying.  I have a massive confession to make in that after that experience with the size 0 actress I had a couple of purging sessions to try and give myself a sense of control...needless to say I have promised myself not to do THAT again! 

Friday night was a work party which was tres excellent especially as I took a little of my friend Charlie with me :)  I don't do it often, probably once every six months as I'm poor and can't afford it like those city bankers...well actually if I bought cheaper make-up/toiletries I probably could but I'm too vain!  So Friday resulted in only a few glasses of wine and a complete loss of appetite (even though there was a whole buffet table) and hours of dancing.  I must have lost a fair amount of weight because I ate total crap (chocolate, sweets, fizzy drinks, etc) all of Saturday and Sunday and still weighed in at 110.6lbs this morning...that's a 0.2lb loss.  Go figure.  Anyhoo if I win the lottery I might become a raging addict...but I never will so that's a relief!  Just to be clear (as I know there are a lot of younger members online) that I don't condone the use of class A drugs, in fact I advise you stay well clear as I have at least 3 friends who have had serious rehab admissions but I do from time to time take them and will blog about those occasions.   One thing I'd like to note are the differences in come-downs, good Charlie will only make you feel rubbish for maybe 24 hours after but it will make you ratty for another day, with pills you have a much more fun high (i.e. super happy and lovey-dovey) but the come down lasts for about 3 days and makes me reeeeally depressed.  Does anyone else have the same experience?

So now with my new diet I have invested in gluten-free (wheat-free) bread, I've bought some whey protein as a meal supplement as I'm getting annoyed that with all my strength training I've been doing I don't have the definition that I want.  I've also bought some L-carnatine which helps burn off your fatty acids and makes them available as an energy source for your muscles.  I've timetabled in 5 days a week of gym time which doesn't include strength training, that's purely cardio.  At the moment I'm aiming for a minimum of 600cals being burnt at the gym but that may decrease to 500 cals if I stick to the 5 days a week.  After running on the treadmill at least 3 times a week recently I have noticed some twinges in my old knee injury (from a spin class no less) so I've decided to stick to the eliptical for the next few days to see if it eases up, the last thing I need is an injury!

Today at the gym I did:  30+mins  Treadmill = 351cals
                                       6mins       Rowing Machine = 49cals
                                       25mins     Eliptical = 260cals
Total= 660cals

Food total is still to be decided as my boyfriend wants to eat a roast this evening - nooooooo!  I said I would be having skinless chicken breast without fatty roast potatoes and gravy, I'll have some rocket salad and sweetcorn though.
So far today:  Breakfast:  2x Ryvita = 68cals
                                         5g Lurpak lighter = 27cals

                    Lunch:  3x Ryvita = 104cals
                                 100g Cottage Cheese = 75cals
                                 2x plums = 60cals

                    Snack:  150ml V8 Veg Juice = 30cals
                                1/2 pack of Nairns Cheese Oaty Bakes = 44.5cals
Total(before dinner)= 408.5cals

Considering I'm meant to be eating 1000cals on gym days I've done quite well...I have a feeling I may give in to the nagging to stay under 800cals but we'll see. 

Talk to you guys later!  Glas to be back and feeling more positive :)  Big hugs to all!

Wednesday, 20 July 2011

Bits and bobs

Hey guys I want to say a special thanks to all of you who commented on my last post,  I've been feeling awful since last week and have lost a lot of confidence.  I've just about managed to maintain my weight so scales this morning 110.8lbs.  Not bad I suppose.  I'm now fixated on losing dress sizes, but to get down to a UK4 I would probably have to drop down to around 94lbs which seems like a lifetime away.  I think I'll concentrate on 100lbs first. 

So HP was amaaaaaaaaaaaaazing!  It's strange because we all know what happens but we still have to relive the journey again through the films :)

Anyway I've pretty much strayed from the SGD however I've found I cope better when I have a calorie limit for the day so I've limited myself to 1000cals on gym days and 700/600cals for non-gym days.  I will revise this every 2 weeks so that my body doesn't get into a routine of what to expect.  I admire those who fast because with my life I simply can't do it, unless my boyfriend goes away I'll never be able to do it and unfortunately he never does, in fact I'm the one who is always swanning off without him to visit friends and family.  The only holiday he's got planned without me is for next year when he's going on a trip to Las Vegas as a group with our friends to celebrate their honeymoon, I can't go because it'll be in the middle of my 2nd year exams so unless I want to fail my degree...however I also don't really fancy doing a fast during revision time, I'm a super-swat and big teacher's pet so if I get less than a 1st on any of my modules I will probably have a nervous breakdown.  Sad, I know.  Also my risk of binging and purging is extremely high considering my record. 

Last note of the day is an update about how my Gastro appointment went,  the consultant said that I should consider a wheat-free diet as I probably have excess bacteria in my gut (and nothing to do with my bulimia history) because I'm hypermobile(flexible joints) - i.e. hypermobility can affect internal muscles,  my stomach and means with it being stretchy it can harbour more bacteria than normal people.  So excess bacteria means extra fermenting of everything that enters my stomach, which in turn means that since wheat is the most fermentable thing eaten (and which is naturally not meant to be digested by humans) means that I suffer most whilst eating it.  So I went wheat-free for a week and after I ate noodles on Monday night I had a massive pot belly for 24 hours!  I honestly could not suck it in, I controlled my indigestion but honestly I felt like a huuuuuuge beached whale.  So it looks like the consultant was speaking some sense.  I'm going for a gastroscopy in September (lovely NHS waiting lists) so hopefully they can confirm/find out what my problem is, the consultant said it may still be a parasite left over from my travels in 2008...comforting. 

Thursday, 14 July 2011

Real Life Thinspo

Well my ladies I had an exciting day yesterday.  I met a quite famous US actress, when I've seen her on TV or in photos/interviews on the web she looks rather normal in terms of weight.  However when I saw her she was STICK thin and literally she was just bones!  I don't know whether she's slimmed down for the film she's doing with Brad Pitt at the moment because it'll be a Blockbuster and she doesn't want to look fat on the cinema screen but I spoke to costume and they said she was a US size 0/UK put things into perspective I'm a UK8/US4 currently so she is a whole 2 sizes smaller!  This was particularly triggering for me as I was actually there to see if I could be a stand in for her whilst she's filming in the UK.  I've lost 7lbs since middle of May and everyone has noticed, my boyfriend has told me not to lose anymore weight and apparantly my face is looking a little gaunt but I'm nowhere near as skinny as she is and she's 5'2", i.e. the same height.  I really felt they were saying "you're waaaay too fat".  I have no illusions, I know I won't get the stand in part but they were quite desperate to pull me in as the casting agent that phoned me up hasn't had me on their books for 2 years.  I suppose in the UK the size 0 infatuation isn't as prevelant as the US and so they're really struggling to find someone that fits her build. 

So I got home and had to get changed for my boyfriend's birthday meal, but I just felt sooooo shit, I honestly wanted to run down to the gym and run until I passed out.  However I couldn't abandon my bf on his birthday, he still comes top of my agenda.  Luckily going out with everyone cheered me up, they were sweet in telling me I was a skinny-minny...however I feel like I need to get some skinny-ass friends to help me slim down quicker as most of my friends here are through my bf and therefore at least 6 years older, settled and basically fatter.  If I had skinny friends then it would probably encourage me to go to the gym more and stop my hand reaching for the peanut butter and nutella. 

Meh, anyway I'm off to the hairdressers and stupidly enough I'll be going to the gym straight afterwards which means my nice blow-dried hair will be shoved up and sweat-sodden by 2pm...oh well!  I'll be visiting my folks over the's just non-stop at the I don't think I'll be able to do the Sunday weigh-in but I'll definitely do a Monday weigh-in. 

Thanks to everyone for comments on my last post, I'm still happy with 110.8lbs but after seeing that size 0 it has made me really zealous over attaining that!

Tuesday, 12 July 2011


Just a small post before I head to gym and then work.  My fears about a blockage were well founded, I woke up this morning to a not-at-all disappointing 110.8lbs.  Kind of annoyed that my weight update will stay at 112lbs until weigh-in on Sunday but I'll just work extra hard to get under 109lbs by then.  We've got visitors tonight and tomorrow so I may not get a chance to post until Thursday, we'll see, I usually find a way...

Tomorrow is the bf's birthday so we are going out with a big group of friends to Bodean's which is an American Rib House, it's surprisingly popular with Americans in London but it is delicious there so maybe not so surprising.  Apparantly Kevin Spacey is a huge fan.  I think I may stick to liquid calories but we'll see how little I can get away with eating.

Stay strong everyone.  Target Calorie Intake: 400cals

Monday, 11 July 2011



First of all I just want to thank you all for your really sweet and encouraging comments!  You guys are brilliant and I can't believe I have 26 followers, it's awesome and if I'm honest might play slightly into one's narcissistic tendencies...

So I would firstly like to apologise to Sunshinechild for not following the SGD very well.  Today is meant to be Day 14 but after a 15 hour drinking session and a stuffing-of-face recovery period yesterday I don't think it's going very well.  I guess that I can't give up my social life because it's the one thing that makes me happy and I remember the awful awful days of seclusion where I would hole myself up in my house for an entire summer and I became scared of any social situations and just spiralled into depression...I certainly don't want to go back to that. 

So as the 'stuffing-of-the-face' suggests I didn't get a chance to do a weigh-in yesterday but today it was a very very very disappointing much work and then one day turns it all around!  Argh.  I'm not too worried in the sense that I've been constipated since Friday so maybe it's only a 1lb gain and a 'backed-up' system.  I've taken some senna tablets this morning so fingers crossed my weight won't seem so bad tomorrow morning. 

So the oompa lumpa outfit went down well and I managed to get excited about talking to some Colombian guys and may have spent a little too much time with them...I'm a bit of a flirt but when I'm drunk I honestly believe it's just being friendly...anyway I probably should have realised the latino macho syndrome where they believe if a girl talks to them it's a come-on, as I experienced this 24/7 whilst in South America.  So when they followed our group to the tiny club we ended up in I spent most of the night dancing with the girls and being basically protected from getting whisked away, it was fun though as I was so drunk I didn't even realise they'd come along with us...oops. 

Stay strong ladies, I'm off to a Gastro appointment at the hospital to see if I can get rid of this constant indigestion...mainly caused by my previous mia methinks but I'll leave it to the specialists to decide. 

Friday, 8 July 2011

Day 10 SGD

Hello to all, sorry for the delay in posting yesterday's update but my bf was breathing down my neck last night so it was hard to be alone on the computer.

so here it is Target Calories: 400

Breakfast:  3tbs Mixed Bean Salad = 60cals
                  Double Espresso = 0cals

Lunch:  50g Avocado = 95cals
             Activia Fat Free Raspberry Yoghurt = 59cals
             Dip Dab(sherbet sweet) = 88cals

Supper:  1/2 carton of Covent Garden's Bloody Mary Soup = 69cals
               1/2 Red Grapefruit = 40cals
Total = 411cals

Exercise= 0mins, absolutely nada.

Basically after shopping with my brother yesterday morning I had to catch the bus to the train station, and low and behold 3 buses in a row broke down.  So after reaching the station at 2pm I didn't get home until 3.30pm (by which point I hadn't had any lunch) so after woolfing down a bite to eat I proceeded to do the weekly food shop and then I had to finish off arranging my bf's birthday celebrations/birthday presents for next week which took me all the way up to 6.30pm when my boyfriend got home.  After that I had to cook dinner and get lots of washes done before we go away today (again) and so after 8pm when I was hungry enough to eat again I was entirely snookered and proceeded to fall asleep on the sofa.  So I feel like a big heffalump today after no structured exercise yesterday.  I was planning to go to the gym this morning before my doctor's appointment but low and behold my bf had put my only pair of gym shorts in the wash before he went to bed so I discovered them this morning as I was hanging it out. Argh.

Anyways today I'm doing some strength training and then I've got hair to straighten, dry cleaning to drop off, a new iron to buy, doctor's appointment, packing to finish off and then I have to meet a friend who's going to drive us up for a pub crawl tomorrow.  Basically my bf's group of friends do a fancy dress pub crawl every year and this year I'm going as an oompa loompa, mainly because I'm short.  lol.  I haven't done 'sexy' fancy dress since I was 18 and this is mainly because I was single back then but also because as a horny teenager I just wanted boys' attention 24/7 as a means of self-validation, obviously nowadays I have matured and realised that life is about having fun and not taking yourself too seriously, also the fact that self-worth definitely doesn't come from how many boys fancy you.  I can't believe I used to love all the leering and leching, eugh it actually makes me feel sick, my lesson learned is don't let yourself be objectified any more than you already are!  We'll get onto my ingrained feminism another time perhaps :)

Toodaloo for now ladies, unfortunately again since I am away over the weekend with no internet access I will have to post late on Sunday.  I'm going to only drink water until I get home and onto the scales to try and get an accurate reading.

Thursday, 7 July 2011

¡Quiero ser flaquiiiita!

Hola mis queridas,
I've been missing my castellano speaking/writing, etc.  and at the moment Ich lerne Deutsch through Michel Thomas on my iPod, he's really good but his students are annoying in that they take ages to work through the processes and their pronounciation is bad so they go back and correct their pronounciation which is frustrating and slow.  So basically I'm very impatient and with languages my strong point has always been pronounciation and accents, when I was in Paraguay my local friends said that sometimes my grammar was off but I ended up sounding like una paraguaya and they also told me I was the first foreigner they'd met who could pronounce Guaraní words correctly.  ...oops I sound like my father, he usually brags about his areas of exeprtise and embarrasses/bores us all in the meantime... anyway I'm hoping to meet up with a friend's wife who's Mexican and I'll get some speaking practice.  Also going to Frankfurt in November so I can practice my German skills then, although most Germans hear your accent and start speaking in English to you, they even do it to my bf's step-mother who's lived there for 7 years now and speaks fluently.  So I'll have to track down some Germans in London and pick an accent to immitate. 

What I love about learning languages is that it makes you pick apart your own, I now appreciate English in that it is really rich.  It has a mixture of so many languages because in creating new words it turned to not only Germanic/Norse/French but to Latin and Ancient Greek.  It's funny that English has permeated most languages in the world now through technology, etc as English is probably the biggest borrower of words ever.  I think that's how it has survived so well because it has adapted (apart from its spelling that is, it would help a lot of folk if it was phonetic...alas). 

Anyway my brother is fine now, we went to see Kung Fu Panda 2 3D yesterday which was brilliant - yes I love children's films.  I love children's films in the sense that I love to laugh, although I re-watched Bambi a few weeks ago and had to leave the room because I was infuriated with 'Man'.  As a kid I couldn't watch Lassi because something bad always happened and I hated that!  We went to the local pub and I didn't stay strong, two white wine spritzers with soda water, but it cheered my brother up so that's the main thing I suppose. 

Okay girlies I will update heute abend after supper to let you know how SGD Day 10 has gone :)  I'm definitely going to el gimnasio today as I feel sehr guilty for the wine and two slices of pizza last night, luckily there's no scale here to prove my fears of gaining.  Anyone who is interested in corresponding in castellano please e-mail me!  I feel like I'm withering in the linguistics department.
Hugs to all

Wednesday, 6 July 2011


Hey ladies,

I'm off to sort out my brother again, I'll be back on Friday!  Sunday is SGD weigh-in day so I will give you results then my lovelies. 

On the cocktail note I will say that I haven't touched a creamy cocktail since the age of 17 but I didn't realise how calorific the fruit ones were!  I have to say although being a major alcohol drinker I don't think I can get away with any alcohol during the SGD, it just takes up too many calories. bah humbug. 

In response to Bella's question about the girl that my boyfriend was very 'chummy' with, she has moved back to Canada now so I'm generally not worried about her.  I found other messages on his phone telling her about various dreams he'd had about her and that he wanted to cry when she left but it was nothing untoward so I'm forgetting about her.  I've had crushes on abotu 3 guys whilst being with my bf, but have always realised that they were nothing more than crushes so to be honest I can't blame him totally. 

Anyways hot mamas I will speak to you all on Friday (maybe earlier if I get access at my brother's place).

Tuesday, 5 July 2011

SGD stats Day 8

Calorie limit 400.

Breakfast -  15g Chia Seeds (in 1 pint of water) = 79cals
                    Coffee with 0 calorie sweetner = 0cals

Lunch - 2x Jacobs crackers = 70cals
             3x egg whites = 51cals
             Activia fat free raspberry yoghurt = 59cals
Snack - 1/2 Red Grapefruit = 40cals

Supper - 2x Jacobs crackers = 70cals
              Activia fat free raspberry yoghurt = 59cals
Total= 428cals
Exercise= 35mins treadmill = 323cals
                 35mins eliptical = 323cals
        Total= 646cals burned
Strength training - 30 push-ups
                              50 bicycle crunches
                              50 crunches
                              50 side leg lifts
                              50 leg lifts
                              30 squats
I'm not sure how much I burned on strength training so I can't be completely accurate about cals burned today. 

I'm not sure about deficits or whether exercise cancels out calories eaten but all in all I think I've done pretty well today, it's just what I need after such a bad week!
Also I found this article on Shape Magazine's website which I think is brilliant, especially as you should all know by now I'm a bit of an alcoholic, i.e. British, which gives you great recipes for low calorie cocktails


Well I've been really rubbish this past week.  I had to go and visit my brother as he had a crisis of confidence - he has depression like my mother.  Then I had to stay there and wash out all my gear from Glasto which unfortunately was more caked in mud than I had previously thought.  It also turned out to be my aunt's birthday celebrations so I had to go to that which I admit was fun but it meant I was away from all things thinspirational and after getting completely baked with my brother I ate almost a whole pack of those snowballs (marshmellow covered in chocolate and coconut) that wasn't good.

Also on my laptop I had put some thinspo pics as my desktop background and when I got back I noticed they had been changed to a pic of Glastonbury crowds - i.e. my boyfriend had been on my laptop whilst I was away...not good!  He hasn't mentioned anything and I refuse to bring it up because it's kind of hard to explain...also he made comments in front of people at Glasto about how I hardly ate anything and that was embarrassing.  Luckily he's out playing football tonight with friends so I can eat my tiny portions without being scrutinised.    Eugh it's annoying because he knows about my previous mia and so I just don't want an inquisition.  I have a whole folder on thinspo photos and workout regimes and even food calorie lists, it's labelled inconspicuously but I just hope he didn't stumble on it whilst searching my computer.  I have this horrible feeling he's going to try and fatten me up somehow.

On a better note I have bought some Chia seeds which are great for nutrients and cost 79cals a serving.  I had some in a pint of water this morning for breakfast and I have had so much energy since!  Great aspects are that it retains a lot of water keeping you hydrated for longer, it also releases energy very slowly meaning you get the most of your calories and it hopefully should help me have a regular bowel habit!  What more could you ask for? :)  Only downside is that after phoning about 10 different Holland & Barretts I had to order it off their website instead of going to an actual shop which meant I had to get it delivered to work, which then meant I had to traipse across London to pick up the package, worth it though.

I've joined Sunshinechild on the SGD but this was last week so technically I'm meant to be on Day 8 now.  I should be keeping a daily intake and exercise diary, not sure if calories burnt exercising cancel out calories eaten?  Can anyone help me there?  I will update my intake, etc after I've eaten my supper tonight. 

I've been to the gym today and am just about to do my strength training.  Since my bf is out tonight I'm going to put on my pilates dvd which I haven't done for 2 weeks, shocking really.  Ahh life gets in the way so easily doesn't it?  Anyway ladies sorry for the neglect and I hope you're all okay!
Big love to all

Wednesday, 29 June 2011

Weigh In

So my lovely ladies the ab fab news is that I am down to - wait for it..... 109lbs!!!!!  It's not a mahoosive loss but I am so chuffed because I haven't been this weight before.  Even when I was 10 I weighed 110lbs as I was a fat child - my mother called it puppy fat but I knew that let her off the hook for giving me such bad eating habits! Coincidently enough I was 2cm shorter than I am now so technically I've done a little better. 

So to reward myself I'm off to the health food shop to get some chia seeds and replace my diminishing stock of vitamins.  After I need to go for a grocery shop as my bf has a large appetite and I need to at least put something in the fridge.  Then I have to make final corrections to my CV and send that off and finally I need to continue tidying/washing/etc... as I didn't get much done yesterday after exercise and watching Wimbledon.  So it looks like I won't have time to go to the gym but I'll try and get in some strength training this evening as I quite often do it in the living room whilst my bf watches TV or plays PS3.  Oh crap I need to catch the Andy Murray match at some point today as well...hmm so much to do and too little time!  Talk to you amazing gals later!

Tuesday, 28 June 2011

Sleep Deprivation (is worth it for some things)

Hey skinny-minnies!  Well I'm back from Glasto :)  Couldn't do a weigh-in this morning as after dropping the car off yesterday all trains had been cancelled back to London because of over-heated powerlines!(33 degrees yesterday...which is Mediterranean heat as far as I'm concerned)  So I had to catch a train back this morning.

So eating-wise I did pretty well, only falafels and salads with one pie, mash and gravy slip but to be fair I was out til 5am and I only ate half.  Anyways I'm suitably muddy, sunkissed and just plain exhausted!  I will do a weigh-in tomorrow and see if all that booze has fattened me up or not.

Glastonbury was superb as usual, highlights are: Primal Scream, Jimmy Cliff('I Can See Clearly Now'), Mumford & Sons, Brother, The Naked and Famous, The Vaccines, Jessie J(by far the best vocalist I have EVER heard!), Pulp(they played as 'Special Guests'), Chemical Brothers(awesome without pills but I bet with they would have been meteoric with...if you're into that kind of thing that is!),  Don McLean (purely for the singalong factor of American Pie), Laura Marling (my favourite artist ever - Ghosts is still my top song), Paul Simon, Eels and Beyonce. 

So just a little review on the note that Primal Scream were for me the best headliner and I can't see why people totally bum Coldplay and U2...basically their music is okay but I loathe Chris Martin and Bono, they both think they're flaming manna from heaven.  Anyway surprise love of the weekend was Jimmy Cliff who's an old reggae star, he pulled out some classics which I just couldn't stop dancing to.  Paul Simon only did 3 Graceland songs and the rest was new stuff which was disappointing, festivals are for well-known hits Paul, we haven't paid to come and see you especially!

Beyonce didn't bring on Jay-Z and didn't do an encore so I'm not singing her praises...also does anyone else hate that generic modern RnB love song sound?  Eugh it gripes me no end and she did a whole middle section of it, I only went crazy for her Destiny's Child hits to be honest and I was uber jealous of the wind machine that seemed to follow her around, wish I had that to give me some va va voom :) 

Highlights aren't just music-related, there's the Healing Fields, Stone Circle and Avalon Field if you want delicious organic food and relaxation hippie-style.  There's Shangri La and Arcadia if you want Blade Runner style underground night life with secret passages, clubs and reality-twisting designs.  Also comedy can be enjoyed at the Caberet tent or daily films play in the Cinema tent plus you can't forget the mind-boggling circus acts in the Big Top field.  So much to do, so little time = 5 days on 3 hours sleep...brilliant! Only regrets are not seeing Warpaint or Noah And The Whale .

So after much ranting and rambling I hope you girlies all are doing well.  I'm off to unpack, start washing clothes, scrub myself clean from 6 days worth of dirt and fluorescent body paint and get back into exercising.

Today's plan:  30 mins cardio (dancing to Glastonbury highlights on BBC)
                       30 push-ups
                       50 twisting crunches
                       50 crunches
                       30 sit-ups
                       50 side leg lifts
                       50 leg lifts
                       30 squats
                       100 jumping jacks
                       80 bicep curls (with 3lbs weights - need to invest in some heavier ones!)

I thought I'd leave you with a few of my favourites of the festival - here is Rambling Man by Laura Marling, Country Girl by Primal Scream, Moving On Up by Primal Scream, No One Knows by QOTSA, Don't Think by Chemical Brothers, Roll Away Your Stone by Mumford & Sons, If You Wanna by The Vaccines and this isn't from Glastonbury but I love her voice in this song Price Tag by Jessie J and another by Laura Marling Ghosts.

Hugs to all! xx

Monday, 20 June 2011

No regrets...well maybe...

Hey lovely ladies,
Well my restlessness and over-enthusiastic approach to exercise has led me to be practically crippled.  Honestly my calves have completely seized up!  I was like an old granny yesterday when I went to pick my parents' car up.  I woke up this morning raring to get back into a regime and I'm still hobbling around.  I probably stretched about 15 times yesterday and already twice today but to no avail.  On Saturday I went for a 40 min jog (exhausting) and then carried on to repeat my 260 jumping jacks,etc and I think my body pretty much told me to F*** off...

Now that I can't do exercise (except upper body stuff) I can feel my mind turning to old habits and I'm doing a liquid only diet until I leave tomorrow evening.  I'll have to eat tomorrow evening because I'm the sole driver for going to Glasto and we're all meeting at mine for dinner, so I can't avoid that I don't want to fall asleep whilst driving down pokey country lanes. 

I wanted to mention something that Bones    mentioned about stopping the cycle of binging.  I know that binging was far more than being afraid of digesting all those calories that you just consumed, I remember using it to get rid of all my anxieties and anger as a kind of release.  Up until last year I was purging purely as an emotional release.  When I had an argument with my boyfriend I would immediately go to the toilet and purge, like a punishment to myself but also as a retaliation to him and I would say to myself "look what you made me do" boyfriend never knew and still doesn't know I did this and I don't plan on telling him as, well I'm sure you can sympathise why I wouldn't tell him.  I'm hoping this liquid diet won't trigger me back into old ways but I'm off to Glasto from tomorrow night and believe me you would NOT want to purge into those toilets...ewwww!
This is probably my last post until next Tuesday now when I'll be having my next weigh-in so big hugs and love to all. Stay strong :)

Friday, 17 June 2011


I didn't get a chance to go to the gym today as I was sorting out my life before I leave for Glasto on Tuesday night, mainly writing and re-drafting my CV, booking hospital appts, etc...anyway I felt quite restless so I thought I'd just pick up some exercise plans and I ended up doing a 2 week plan in one go:
260 Jumping Jacks
90 Crunches
80 Leg Lifts
20 Lunges
15 Sit-ups
Weird thing is it only took me half an hour and I wasn't even sweating afterwards, although I don't feel it I must have improved my fitness going to the gym in the past few weeks.  I'm just about to go do some more and then do my yogalates dvd.  My bf is out on more works drinks tonight so knowing him he won't be back until past midnight, hurrah for me!  Free time to work out and not snack :)  I'm getting back on track peeps.
Thanks for the support and to my new followers, I hope you can take something away from my ramblings! Hugs xx

Lunching will be the death of me


Well to say I'm upset is a bit of an understatement.  This whole week I've been rocked by the suspicion that my bf has a crush (or something stronger) on a girl at work, luckily she's moving away but it has made me feel worthless and just very insecure all week.  I went to the gym Monday and Tuesday and did 2 hours of yogalates on Wednesday to try and distract myself.  However yesterday when I got to the gym I had forgotten my sports bra and my gym pants and they weren't selling any clothing except men's t-shirts.  I went to work and got invited out for lunch so I ate about 2/3 of this pizza and then since my bf was out playing football and drinking (with this girl from work - how can I compete with a football-playing girl?!) I went to a friend's house for dinner.  She said she was only making onion soup so I thought it couldn't be that bad but when I turned up she'd gotten bored waiting for the soup to cook so had prepared loads of mini dishes in the interim.  So I had a bit of a feast, which just made me feel a little bit worse. 

I stepped on the scales this morning and saw 111lbs...gutted!  Although I have lost half an inch on my hips which is good.  I think when I feel bad about myself and have stress on my plate I take it out on my body by eating.  My mother was a comfort eater, she suffered a nervous breakdown and had depression for a long time so maybe that's where I get the habit from.  After forcing myself to be social this week it has only made me fatter so now I feel like I want to become a social recluse but I know that's even worse for my anxiety and mood.  I can be social and not eat I know I can but when I'm feeling depressed(which is a bit strong) it's like it becomes acceptable for me to finish my plate if it's in front of other people.  I know the solution could so easily be to purge but I'm determined not to go down that route as that quickly leads to self-loathing and all those feelings I thought I'd left in the past. 

My bf said to me last night I was looking just thin enough because he could see my ribs, but that makes me feel worse because in my mind he's comparing me to this girl.  She is tall with long, skinny legs and is so fun, outgoing, sporty and well he talks about her A LOT.  I also found a text message (dangerous I know to go snooping) from him telling her he'd had a dream about her, nothing untoward but still I don't ever remember sending even my close guy friends messages about if I'd dreamt about them unless it was in a group context.   I don't blame her in the slightest as I'm actually really good friends with her now and I probably love her just as much as my bf but on a friendship scale.  A couple of months ago I suspected he might be fond of her but just shoved it to one side as paranoia but then earlier this week he changed his profile pic to a photo of both of them together!!!  He's never put a photo of me and him as his profile pic and we've been together for almost 3 be fair I've only ever put one photo of us together as my profile pic but I haven't put up one of me and a guy friend, in fact I had a great photo of me and my friend M(a guy) and I cropped him out of it so that my bf wouldn't get jealous.  Anyway she has a long-term bf and she's moving away which is good for my sanity but doesn't resolve the issue that I'm now riddled with self-doubt and insecurities.  Great. 

I hope everyone is alright, sorry for the massive downer-fest I hope to have a more positive outlook after the weekend...we'll see. Big hugs to all.

Friday, 10 June 2011

Late Night Eating

So I popped on the scales this morning and it was still 110lbs, I was disappointed but I did eat very late last night.  I had a coffee yesterday with a friend and then didn't have anything to eat until I got home last night.  I had a large falafel wrap and a couple of ricecakes and some rhubarb for dessert.  Not exactly a binge but I ate it at 11.30pm at night so not condusive to an early morning weigh-in.  Well onwards and upwards I say!  I have to say my appetite has almost completely vanished,  I seem to be lasting a lot longer in between meals and I start eating and I end up leaving most of it.  So off to the gym (in the pouring rain!) and again I am out tonight for my friend's leaving drinks, she's moving back to Canada! Nooooooo!  I think I'll need a two week recovery period after this week, sooo much drinking and late late nights. 

Hoping everyone is doing well,  I'm looking forward to pushing myself hard at the gym today especially with all that energy left from the food I ate last night :)  Stay strong everyone!