Water Weight

Hey everyone! 

Well I've been to the gym everyday this week so far and I'll be going tomorrow again :)  I now am slightly addicted, the thought of not going this morning sent me into a panic.  I have to say my totals for intake have been around 1000cals each day which has meant that I've been maintaining the same weight.  My period is due literally now so I'm hoping it's just a bit of water weight plus the fact I managed to consume a whole 'small' salted popcorn at the cinema which won't have done anything for my water retention.  Today was going really well until after supper I realised I'd only eaten about 390cals for the whole day...which then led me to have two rather large teaspoons of Nutella...argh!  So with a total now of 570cals instead I'm feeling good I'm under 1000 but horrified I gave in to such temptation, I did 593cals worth of eliptical this morning but now I'm waiting for an hour until I can do some strength training and then my pilates DVD so that hopefully I won't see too much damage tomorrow morning.  The calories don't seem too bad but it's the hidden fat and sugar which then turns into horrible fat!  I've noticed that after drinking almost 3 litres of water already today that I don't have much of an appetite, water really does fill you up if you drink enough of it.

My whey protein powder arrived today so meal replacement starts tomorrow, yay!  I thought I might do breakfast replacement 5 days a week and see how that goes, if I need to I'll up it to breakfast and lunch but I'm concerned about getting my fruit and veggies in as well.  Although I'm taking Multivits, Acai, Calcium +VitD, Bvit Complex, Iron, Cod Liver Oil and L-Carnitine at the moment so maybe I don't need to worry so much!  I generally don't include my pills in my calorie intake but that's because I see them as an essential for living, is that cheating??

At work today the girls in reception told me I was looking tiny...which I don't understand as they saw me last week and I was exactly the same weight.  All I want are skinny legs but so far I've lost weight off my stomach and my boobs have gone down a cup size and my big wobbly legs have stayed exactly the same!  Where's the justice?  Well I still see a fatty in the mirror so I won't stop until I reach my goal weight.   I'm going to a Beach Rave night in two weeks so my goal is to achieve those fab abs and at least have lost half an inch off my bulky thighs.  It's going to be all tiny oriental girls so I have to be ready! 

Thank you for listening to my jumbled ramblings of calories and weight-obsessed thoughts, I'm sure it can be quite tiresome!  Love to you all, it's just great to know there are those that understand me :)
xx

Pick Yourself Up And Dust Yourself Off

Firstly I'd like to apologise for not blogging as regularly as I have been doing.  I'm back on track after a weekend of partying.  I have a massive confession to make in that after that experience with the size 0 actress I had a couple of purging sessions to try and give myself a sense of control...needless to say I have promised myself not to do THAT again! 

Friday night was a work party which was tres excellent especially as I took a little of my friend Charlie with me :)  I don't do it often, probably once every six months as I'm poor and can't afford it like those city bankers...well actually if I bought cheaper make-up/toiletries I probably could but I'm too vain!  So Friday resulted in only a few glasses of wine and a complete loss of appetite (even though there was a whole buffet table) and hours of dancing.  I must have lost a fair amount of weight because I ate total crap (chocolate, sweets, fizzy drinks, etc) all of Saturday and Sunday and still weighed in at 110.6lbs this morning...that's a 0.2lb loss.  Go figure.  Anyhoo if I win the lottery I might become a raging addict...but I never will so that's a relief!  Just to be clear (as I know there are a lot of younger members online) that I don't condone the use of class A drugs, in fact I advise you stay well clear as I have at least 3 friends who have had serious rehab admissions but I do from time to time take them and will blog about those occasions.   One thing I'd like to note are the differences in come-downs, good Charlie will only make you feel rubbish for maybe 24 hours after but it will make you ratty for another day, with pills you have a much more fun high (i.e. super happy and lovey-dovey) but the come down lasts for about 3 days and makes me reeeeally depressed.  Does anyone else have the same experience?

So now with my new diet I have invested in gluten-free (wheat-free) bread, I've bought some whey protein as a meal supplement as I'm getting annoyed that with all my strength training I've been doing I don't have the definition that I want.  I've also bought some L-carnatine which helps burn off your fatty acids and makes them available as an energy source for your muscles.  I've timetabled in 5 days a week of gym time which doesn't include strength training, that's purely cardio.  At the moment I'm aiming for a minimum of 600cals being burnt at the gym but that may decrease to 500 cals if I stick to the 5 days a week.  After running on the treadmill at least 3 times a week recently I have noticed some twinges in my old knee injury (from a spin class no less) so I've decided to stick to the eliptical for the next few days to see if it eases up, the last thing I need is an injury!

Today at the gym I did:  30+mins  Treadmill = 351cals
                                       6mins       Rowing Machine = 49cals
                                       25mins     Eliptical = 260cals
Total= 660cals

Food total is still to be decided as my boyfriend wants to eat a roast this evening - nooooooo!  I said I would be having skinless chicken breast without fatty roast potatoes and gravy, I'll have some rocket salad and sweetcorn though.
So far today:  Breakfast:  2x Ryvita = 68cals
                                         5g Lurpak lighter = 27cals

                    Lunch:  3x Ryvita = 104cals
                                 100g Cottage Cheese = 75cals
                                 2x plums = 60cals

                    Snack:  150ml V8 Veg Juice = 30cals
                                1/2 pack of Nairns Cheese Oaty Bakes = 44.5cals
Total(before dinner)= 408.5cals

Considering I'm meant to be eating 1000cals on gym days I've done quite well...I have a feeling I may give in to the nagging to stay under 800cals but we'll see. 

Talk to you guys later!  Glas to be back and feeling more positive :)  Big hugs to all!
xx

Bits and bobs

Hey guys I want to say a special thanks to all of you who commented on my last post,  I've been feeling awful since last week and have lost a lot of confidence.  I've just about managed to maintain my weight so scales this morning 110.8lbs.  Not bad I suppose.  I'm now fixated on losing dress sizes, but to get down to a UK4 I would probably have to drop down to around 94lbs which seems like a lifetime away.  I think I'll concentrate on 100lbs first. 

So HP was amaaaaaaaaaaaaazing!  It's strange because we all know what happens but we still have to relive the journey again through the films :)

Anyway I've pretty much strayed from the SGD however I've found I cope better when I have a calorie limit for the day so I've limited myself to 1000cals on gym days and 700/600cals for non-gym days.  I will revise this every 2 weeks so that my body doesn't get into a routine of what to expect.  I admire those who fast because with my life I simply can't do it, unless my boyfriend goes away I'll never be able to do it and unfortunately he never does, in fact I'm the one who is always swanning off without him to visit friends and family.  The only holiday he's got planned without me is for next year when he's going on a trip to Las Vegas as a group with our friends to celebrate their honeymoon, I can't go because it'll be in the middle of my 2nd year exams so unless I want to fail my degree...however I also don't really fancy doing a fast during revision time, I'm a super-swat and big teacher's pet so if I get less than a 1st on any of my modules I will probably have a nervous breakdown.  Sad, I know.  Also my risk of binging and purging is extremely high considering my record. 

Last note of the day is an update about how my Gastro appointment went,  the consultant said that I should consider a wheat-free diet as I probably have excess bacteria in my gut (and nothing to do with my bulimia history) because I'm hypermobile(flexible joints) - i.e. hypermobility can affect internal muscles,  my stomach and means with it being stretchy it can harbour more bacteria than normal people.  So excess bacteria means extra fermenting of everything that enters my stomach, which in turn means that since wheat is the most fermentable thing eaten (and which is naturally not meant to be digested by humans) means that I suffer most whilst eating it.  So I went wheat-free for a week and after I ate noodles on Monday night I had a massive pot belly for 24 hours!  I honestly could not suck it in, I controlled my indigestion but honestly I felt like a huuuuuuge beached whale.  So it looks like the consultant was speaking some sense.  I'm going for a gastroscopy in September (lovely NHS waiting lists) so hopefully they can confirm/find out what my problem is, the consultant said it may still be a parasite left over from my travels in 2008...comforting. 

Real Life Thinspo

Well my ladies I had an exciting day yesterday.  I met a quite famous US actress, when I've seen her on TV or in photos/interviews on the web she looks rather normal in terms of weight.  However when I saw her she was STICK thin and literally she was just bones!  I don't know whether she's slimmed down for the film she's doing with Brad Pitt at the moment because it'll be a Blockbuster and she doesn't want to look fat on the cinema screen but I spoke to costume and they said she was a US size 0/UK 4...to put things into perspective I'm a UK8/US4 currently so she is a whole 2 sizes smaller!  This was particularly triggering for me as I was actually there to see if I could be a stand in for her whilst she's filming in the UK.  I've lost 7lbs since middle of May and everyone has noticed, my boyfriend has told me not to lose anymore weight and apparantly my face is looking a little gaunt but I'm nowhere near as skinny as she is and she's 5'2", i.e. the same height.  I really felt they were saying "you're waaaay too fat".  I have no illusions, I know I won't get the stand in part but they were quite desperate to pull me in as the casting agent that phoned me up hasn't had me on their books for 2 years.  I suppose in the UK the size 0 infatuation isn't as prevelant as the US and so they're really struggling to find someone that fits her build. 

So I got home and had to get changed for my boyfriend's birthday meal, but I just felt sooooo shit, I honestly wanted to run down to the gym and run until I passed out.  However I couldn't abandon my bf on his birthday, he still comes top of my agenda.  Luckily going out with everyone cheered me up, they were sweet in telling me I was a skinny-minny...however I feel like I need to get some skinny-ass friends to help me slim down quicker as most of my friends here are through my bf and therefore at least 6 years older, settled and basically fatter.  If I had skinny friends then it would probably encourage me to go to the gym more and stop my hand reaching for the peanut butter and nutella. 

Meh, anyway I'm off to the hairdressers and stupidly enough I'll be going to the gym straight afterwards which means my nice blow-dried hair will be shoved up and sweat-sodden by 2pm...oh well!  I'll be visiting my folks over the weekend...it's just non-stop at the moment...so I don't think I'll be able to do the Sunday weigh-in but I'll definitely do a Monday weigh-in. 

Thanks to everyone for comments on my last post, I'm still happy with 110.8lbs but after seeing that size 0 it has made me really zealous over attaining that!
x

110.8lbs

Just a small post before I head to gym and then work.  My fears about a blockage were well founded, I woke up this morning to a not-at-all disappointing 110.8lbs.  Kind of annoyed that my weight update will stay at 112lbs until weigh-in on Sunday but I'll just work extra hard to get under 109lbs by then.  We've got visitors tonight and tomorrow so I may not get a chance to post until Thursday, we'll see, I usually find a way...

Tomorrow is the bf's birthday so we are going out with a big group of friends to Bodean's which is an American Rib House, it's surprisingly popular with Americans in London but it is delicious there so maybe not so surprising.  Apparantly Kevin Spacey is a huge fan.  I think I may stick to liquid calories but we'll see how little I can get away with eating.

Stay strong everyone.  Target Calorie Intake: 400cals
xx

Failure

Hello!

First of all I just want to thank you all for your really sweet and encouraging comments!  You guys are brilliant and I can't believe I have 26 followers, it's awesome and if I'm honest might play slightly into one's narcissistic tendencies...

So I would firstly like to apologise to Sunshinechild for not following the SGD very well.  Today is meant to be Day 14 but after a 15 hour drinking session and a stuffing-of-face recovery period yesterday I don't think it's going very well.  I guess that I can't give up my social life because it's the one thing that makes me happy and I remember the awful awful days of seclusion where I would hole myself up in my house for an entire summer and I became scared of any social situations and just spiralled into depression...I certainly don't want to go back to that. 

So as the 'stuffing-of-the-face' suggests I didn't get a chance to do a weigh-in yesterday but today it was a very very very disappointing 112lbs...ouch...so much work and then one day turns it all around!  Argh.  I'm not too worried in the sense that I've been constipated since Friday so maybe it's only a 1lb gain and a 'backed-up' system.  I've taken some senna tablets this morning so fingers crossed my weight won't seem so bad tomorrow morning. 

So the oompa lumpa outfit went down well and I managed to get excited about talking to some Colombian guys and may have spent a little too much time with them...I'm a bit of a flirt but when I'm drunk I honestly believe it's just being friendly...anyway I probably should have realised the latino macho syndrome where they believe if a girl talks to them it's a come-on, as I experienced this 24/7 whilst in South America.  So when they followed our group to the tiny club we ended up in I spent most of the night dancing with the girls and being basically protected from getting whisked away, it was fun though as I was so drunk I didn't even realise they'd come along with us...oops. 

Stay strong ladies, I'm off to a Gastro appointment at the hospital to see if I can get rid of this constant indigestion...mainly caused by my previous mia methinks but I'll leave it to the specialists to decide. 
xx

Day 10 SGD

Hello to all, sorry for the delay in posting yesterday's update but my bf was breathing down my neck last night so it was hard to be alone on the computer.

so here it is Target Calories: 400

Breakfast:  3tbs Mixed Bean Salad = 60cals
                  Double Espresso = 0cals

Lunch:  50g Avocado = 95cals
             Activia Fat Free Raspberry Yoghurt = 59cals
             Dip Dab(sherbet sweet) = 88cals

Supper:  1/2 carton of Covent Garden's Bloody Mary Soup = 69cals
               1/2 Red Grapefruit = 40cals
Total = 411cals

Exercise= 0mins, absolutely nada.

Basically after shopping with my brother yesterday morning I had to catch the bus to the train station, and low and behold 3 buses in a row broke down.  So after reaching the station at 2pm I didn't get home until 3.30pm (by which point I hadn't had any lunch) so after woolfing down a bite to eat I proceeded to do the weekly food shop and then I had to finish off arranging my bf's birthday celebrations/birthday presents for next week which took me all the way up to 6.30pm when my boyfriend got home.  After that I had to cook dinner and get lots of washes done before we go away today (again) and so after 8pm when I was hungry enough to eat again I was entirely snookered and proceeded to fall asleep on the sofa.  So I feel like a big heffalump today after no structured exercise yesterday.  I was planning to go to the gym this morning before my doctor's appointment but low and behold my bf had put my only pair of gym shorts in the wash before he went to bed so I discovered them this morning as I was hanging it out. Argh.

Anyways today I'm doing some strength training and then I've got hair to straighten, dry cleaning to drop off, a new iron to buy, doctor's appointment, packing to finish off and then I have to meet a friend who's going to drive us up for a pub crawl tomorrow.  Basically my bf's group of friends do a fancy dress pub crawl every year and this year I'm going as an oompa loompa, mainly because I'm short.  lol.  I haven't done 'sexy' fancy dress since I was 18 and this is mainly because I was single back then but also because as a horny teenager I just wanted boys' attention 24/7 as a means of self-validation, obviously nowadays I have matured and realised that life is about having fun and not taking yourself too seriously, also the fact that self-worth definitely doesn't come from how many boys fancy you.  I can't believe I used to love all the leering and leching, eugh it actually makes me feel sick, my lesson learned is don't let yourself be objectified any more than you already are!  We'll get onto my ingrained feminism another time perhaps :)

Toodaloo for now ladies, unfortunately again since I am away over the weekend with no internet access I will have to post late on Sunday.  I'm going to only drink water until I get home and onto the scales to try and get an accurate reading.
xx

¡Quiero ser flaquiiiita!

Hola mis queridas,
I've been missing my castellano speaking/writing, etc.  and at the moment Ich lerne Deutsch through Michel Thomas on my iPod, he's really good but his students are annoying in that they take ages to work through the processes and their pronounciation is bad so they go back and correct their pronounciation which is frustrating and slow.  So basically I'm very impatient and with languages my strong point has always been pronounciation and accents, when I was in Paraguay my local friends said that sometimes my grammar was off but I ended up sounding like una paraguaya and they also told me I was the first foreigner they'd met who could pronounce Guaraní words correctly.  ...oops I sound like my father, he usually brags about his areas of exeprtise and embarrasses/bores us all in the meantime... anyway I'm hoping to meet up with a friend's wife who's Mexican and I'll get some speaking practice.  Also going to Frankfurt in November so I can practice my German skills then, although most Germans hear your accent and start speaking in English to you, they even do it to my bf's step-mother who's lived there for 7 years now and speaks fluently.  So I'll have to track down some Germans in London and pick an accent to immitate. 

What I love about learning languages is that it makes you pick apart your own, I now appreciate English in that it is really rich.  It has a mixture of so many languages because in creating new words it turned to not only Germanic/Norse/French but to Latin and Ancient Greek.  It's funny that English has permeated most languages in the world now through technology, etc as English is probably the biggest borrower of words ever.  I think that's how it has survived so well because it has adapted (apart from its spelling that is, it would help a lot of folk if it was phonetic...alas). 

Anyway my brother is fine now, we went to see Kung Fu Panda 2 3D yesterday which was brilliant - yes I love children's films.  I love children's films in the sense that I love to laugh, although I re-watched Bambi a few weeks ago and had to leave the room because I was infuriated with 'Man'.  As a kid I couldn't watch Lassi because something bad always happened and I hated that!  We went to the local pub and I didn't stay strong, two white wine spritzers with soda water, but it cheered my brother up so that's the main thing I suppose. 

Okay girlies I will update heute abend after supper to let you know how SGD Day 10 has gone :)  I'm definitely going to el gimnasio today as I feel sehr guilty for the wine and two slices of pizza last night, luckily there's no scale here to prove my fears of gaining.  Anyone who is interested in corresponding in castellano please e-mail me!  I feel like I'm withering in the linguistics department.
Hugs to all
xx

Quickey

Hey ladies,

I'm off to sort out my brother again, I'll be back on Friday!  Sunday is SGD weigh-in day so I will give you results then my lovelies. 

On the cocktail note I will say that I haven't touched a creamy cocktail since the age of 17 but I didn't realise how calorific the fruit ones were!  I have to say although being a major alcohol drinker I don't think I can get away with any alcohol during the SGD, it just takes up too many calories. bah humbug. 

In response to Bella's question about the girl that my boyfriend was very 'chummy' with, she has moved back to Canada now so I'm generally not worried about her.  I found other messages on his phone telling her about various dreams he'd had about her and that he wanted to cry when she left but it was nothing untoward so I'm forgetting about her.  I've had crushes on abotu 3 guys whilst being with my bf, but have always realised that they were nothing more than crushes so to be honest I can't blame him totally. 

Anyways hot mamas I will speak to you all on Friday (maybe earlier if I get access at my brother's place).
xx

SGD stats Day 8

Calorie limit 400.

Breakfast -  15g Chia Seeds (in 1 pint of water) = 79cals
                    Coffee with 0 calorie sweetner = 0cals

Lunch - 2x Jacobs crackers = 70cals
             3x egg whites = 51cals
             Activia fat free raspberry yoghurt = 59cals
         
Snack - 1/2 Red Grapefruit = 40cals

Supper - 2x Jacobs crackers = 70cals
              Activia fat free raspberry yoghurt = 59cals
Total= 428cals
Exercise= 35mins treadmill = 323cals
                 35mins eliptical = 323cals
        Total= 646cals burned
Strength training - 30 push-ups
                              50 bicycle crunches
                              50 crunches
                              50 side leg lifts
                              50 leg lifts
                              30 squats
I'm not sure how much I burned on strength training so I can't be completely accurate about cals burned today. 

I'm not sure about deficits or whether exercise cancels out calories eaten but all in all I think I've done pretty well today, it's just what I need after such a bad week!
Also I found this article on Shape Magazine's website which I think is brilliant, especially as you should all know by now I'm a bit of an alcoholic, i.e. British, which gives you great recipes for low calorie cocktails . 

Neglect

Well I've been really rubbish this past week.  I had to go and visit my brother as he had a crisis of confidence - he has depression like my mother.  Then I had to stay there and wash out all my gear from Glasto which unfortunately was more caked in mud than I had previously thought.  It also turned out to be my aunt's birthday celebrations so I had to go to that which I admit was fun but it meant I was away from all things thinspirational and after getting completely baked with my brother I ate almost a whole pack of those snowballs (marshmellow covered in chocolate and coconut)...so that wasn't good.

Also on my laptop I had put some thinspo pics as my desktop background and when I got back I noticed they had been changed to a pic of Glastonbury crowds - i.e. my boyfriend had been on my laptop whilst I was away...not good!  He hasn't mentioned anything and I refuse to bring it up because it's kind of hard to explain...also he made comments in front of people at Glasto about how I hardly ate anything and that was embarrassing.  Luckily he's out playing football tonight with friends so I can eat my tiny portions without being scrutinised.    Eugh it's annoying because he knows about my previous mia and so I just don't want an inquisition.  I have a whole folder on thinspo photos and workout regimes and even food calorie lists, it's labelled inconspicuously but I just hope he didn't stumble on it whilst searching my computer.  I have this horrible feeling he's going to try and fatten me up somehow.

On a better note I have bought some Chia seeds which are great for nutrients and cost 79cals a serving.  I had some in a pint of water this morning for breakfast and I have had so much energy since!  Great aspects are that it retains a lot of water keeping you hydrated for longer, it also releases energy very slowly meaning you get the most of your calories and it hopefully should help me have a regular bowel habit!  What more could you ask for? :)  Only downside is that after phoning about 10 different Holland & Barretts I had to order it off their website instead of going to an actual shop which meant I had to get it delivered to work, which then meant I had to traipse across London to pick up the package, worth it though.

I've joined Sunshinechild on the SGD but this was last week so technically I'm meant to be on Day 8 now.  I should be keeping a daily intake and exercise diary, not sure if calories burnt exercising cancel out calories eaten?  Can anyone help me there?  I will update my intake, etc after I've eaten my supper tonight. 

I've been to the gym today and am just about to do my strength training.  Since my bf is out tonight I'm going to put on my pilates dvd which I haven't done for 2 weeks, shocking really.  Ahh life gets in the way so easily doesn't it?  Anyway ladies sorry for the neglect and I hope you're all okay!
Big love to all
x