A fabulous 200cal total for breakfast and lunch plus a 620cal burn at the gym and then.....oh a 1000cal binge which resulted in a painful purge (west indian hot pepper sauce was consumed...) and guess what? A huge sense of control...how fucking tragic. I was so good for so long but that smug little devil in the back of my mind is back saying 'fuck you fat, I'm going to spew my guts out until only bile remains'...Well back into insanity I guess. I can restrict to about 800cals normally but there's that satisfaction knowing that if you purge that last bit you ate then it's more likely you'll weigh less the next day...I thought I was over this nightmare?! I didn't want to become another girl spiralling into the abyss, I swore to myself I wouldn't go back to that teenage angst, well honestly I don't have that self-hatred that I used to have but the mia certainly hasn't buried her head in the sand. The last time I felt truely good about my appearance was when I was 15 and chubby, I'm now 42lbs lighter and feeling fat. Why should I moan when I only have myself to blame? I don't want to be this obsessed forever but I know that me not ever caring would equal a sudden weight gain, on the other hand exercising & still watching what I eat would equal me now - forever on the brink of another purge.
I don't like sharing this with you girls, in fact I feel positively wretched that I'm even admitting it. I don't want to be human, I don't want to be weak. I constantly tell myself I will achieve my goals and I never let myself doubt that so why should I put doubt into those following me? Argh. I will be perfection, I will rise up and take all!...lol, inner ramblings really shouldn't be made public, it only serves to remind me that I have the ability to be utterly delusional. Well I hate moaning because I hate moaners, although I actually am the agony aunt of my friends... scratch that, it's not that I hate moaners, I suppose with both my brother and my mother having depression growing up I just got sick of everything being so bloody grey and miserable, if you want it - seize it! Don't just sit there and wallow....obviously depression is an illness but my exposure to it never made me sympathetic, it took away my childhood and made me grow up too fast...I don't ever remember being as immature as all other friends of my age, I could only act immature by getting ridiculously drunk, and even then I was the one holding back everyone else's hair and calling their mothers to come get them or telling them to expect their sons or daughters home paraletic in a paid for taxi. I suppose I appreciate not letting all of my dignity go, but now when I do get to cut loose I get told off by my bf the next day for being an embarrassment... so it seems I never will get that window back where I could be immature and get away with it.
So to make up for my mischevious purge I have already done 200 jumping jacks and a range of strengthening exercises from crunches to squats to press ups. This will probably continue until the bf returns home from his works drinks at midnight. I will not and cannot gain, I have to lose, I will lose, losing will be my middle name and a roaring stomach will be my best friend. And now I sound psychotic. Brilliant. I wish I could write sensibly and be rational and objective...but hey I'm not in that place right now, my focus will be a 98lb frame and a 1st overall for my 2nd year. Not kidding, THIS IS IT...(ha how many times has that been said on here?!).
Love to you all from Bertha Mason/Antoinette Cosway (well someone who probably resembles her anyway),