Monday, 1 August 2011
Ahh total binge weekend. Even though I felt bloated and ridiculously whale-like due to my period being due (and yet it still hasn't come on...what is that all about?!) I managed to scoff down lots of chicken and even half a chinese over the weekend. Meh. Obviously I thought 5 days out of 7 at the gym was surely enough but because I was so restless and managed to do an entire spring clean and be left with nothing else to do I ended up stuffing my face...boredom I hate it! I would have done thinspiration for hours but my bf insisted on spending hours on end cuddling on the sofa, which I love when I'm tired in the evening but during warm, sunny days it just makes me itch - especially as I have a new found love of working out. Also he then decides to put on football highlights from last season to gear him up for the new season...I'm pretty sure he has noticed I am not the biggest football fan, so this made me even more frustrated and I just kept snacking - one ryvita here, another there. Luckily most of my binging was done on ryvita, turkey slices and fruit but yesterday my bf wanted a roast so instead of the one roast potato I was going to eat it ended up being 5 by the end of the day. Argh this thing is making me resent my own bf for being so lazy! After a hard week at work he likes to chill out which I understand but can he not do it outside? I have started to get cabin fever from being cooped up here all weekend and now I can't go out until my laxatives have worked through. I took a very high dose at about 8pm last night and it still hasn't worked its way through because I ate so bloody much, so now I can't go to the gym until it's all out because I don't like the feeling when you're half way through your run and you have to run to the changing rooms, you can't even wipe down your machine. Plus I'm holed up in the bedroom because the window cleaners are out today and we have a living room which consists of 1/2 floor to ceiling glass - I can't exactly be looking at thinspo with them peering through can I? They have to do the whole building so I imagine they won't be gone for at least another 3 hours, eugh.
I'm also angry because if I hadn't eaten so much I wouldn't have taken a double dose of laxatives which means I wouldn't have to stay here until they pass through and I wouldn't have to go to the gym in 27 degree heat this afternoon. My gym is a poor student gym so the air con only seems to reach you about half of the time. Blurgh I feel bloated and miserable, mix time of the month with a weekend of over-eating and a handful of laxatives...not enjoyable. I am actually feeling suffocated by my bf, it's not good. The only good thing is that he finally resigned on Saturday that I need to buy my own half of the food shop as I now can't eat anything with wheat in and I do choose all the zero fat, low calorie things which he hates - he's a full fat coke kind of man. Unfortunately when he suggested sausages, I happily pointed out that the three packets in a row I had examined all contained wheat flour, unfortunately he picked up the next one and happily exclaimed that that packet didn't so I now have to dodge Bangers and Mash night somehow...the only way I can see out is too cook it all before he gets home and pretend I've already eaten because I was too hungry to wait, which I think he could believe as I'm prone to sugar crashes and carry emergency sweets with me anyway.
I haven't bothered weighing myself this morning, I think it would make me consider jumping off the balcony or - as I used to do as a very unhappy teenager - punch myself in the stomach in disgust (yes I used to do that, not proud but hey I can't hide the fact I have a disorederd past). I might weigh myself after the laxatives have worked but we'll see, I'm not eating anything until I do go but my mouth is starting to dry up so I should really drink some water...it just feels like every millilitre counts towards being an enormous fat pig.
Sorry for the negativity, I hate disappointing myself and failing - I'm not used to failing in a lot of other areas in my life and so it makes me a bit mad when I fail at this. Hope everyone is well and I hope I haven't brought anybody else down, I promise to be more positive after I get my head screwed back on straight.