Well to say I'm upset is a bit of an understatement. This whole week I've been rocked by the suspicion that my bf has a crush (or something stronger) on a girl at work, luckily she's moving away but it has made me feel worthless and just very insecure all week. I went to the gym Monday and Tuesday and did 2 hours of yogalates on Wednesday to try and distract myself. However yesterday when I got to the gym I had forgotten my sports bra and my gym pants and they weren't selling any clothing except men's t-shirts. I went to work and got invited out for lunch so I ate about 2/3 of this pizza and then since my bf was out playing football and drinking (with this girl from work - how can I compete with a football-playing girl?!) I went to a friend's house for dinner. She said she was only making onion soup so I thought it couldn't be that bad but when I turned up she'd gotten bored waiting for the soup to cook so had prepared loads of mini dishes in the interim. So I had a bit of a feast, which just made me feel a little bit worse.
I stepped on the scales this morning and saw 111lbs...gutted! Although I have lost half an inch on my hips which is good. I think when I feel bad about myself and have stress on my plate I take it out on my body by eating. My mother was a comfort eater, she suffered a nervous breakdown and had depression for a long time so maybe that's where I get the habit from. After forcing myself to be social this week it has only made me fatter so now I feel like I want to become a social recluse but I know that's even worse for my anxiety and mood. I can be social and not eat I know I can but when I'm feeling depressed(which is a bit strong) it's like it becomes acceptable for me to finish my plate if it's in front of other people. I know the solution could so easily be to purge but I'm determined not to go down that route as that quickly leads to self-loathing and all those feelings I thought I'd left in the past.
My bf said to me last night I was looking just thin enough because he could see my ribs, but that makes me feel worse because in my mind he's comparing me to this girl. She is tall with long, skinny legs and is so fun, outgoing, sporty and well he talks about her A LOT. I also found a text message (dangerous I know to go snooping) from him telling her he'd had a dream about her, nothing untoward but still I don't ever remember sending even my close guy friends messages about if I'd dreamt about them unless it was in a group context. I don't blame her in the slightest as I'm actually really good friends with her now and I probably love her just as much as my bf but on a friendship scale. A couple of months ago I suspected he might be fond of her but just shoved it to one side as paranoia but then earlier this week he changed his profile pic to a photo of both of them together!!! He's never put a photo of me and him as his profile pic and we've been together for almost 3 years...to be fair I've only ever put one photo of us together as my profile pic but I haven't put up one of me and a guy friend, in fact I had a great photo of me and my friend M(a guy) and I cropped him out of it so that my bf wouldn't get jealous. Anyway she has a long-term bf and she's moving away which is good for my sanity but doesn't resolve the issue that I'm now riddled with self-doubt and insecurities. Great.
I hope everyone is alright, sorry for the massive downer-fest I hope to have a more positive outlook after the weekend...we'll see. Big hugs to all.